Someone You Love

This morning was a tough one with Elli. She was in full angry screams mode. The other kids were wary to steer clear as I got Elli up and took her to the bathroom. Multiple times she aggressively grabbed my arms hard enough to hurt. She rarely bites anymore, but she will pull your hand to her mouth and smash it against her teeth. She is strong enough to inflict pain in a variety of ways. Externally I was extremely patient and caring. Internally it was a struggle. I asked her if she wanted to eat upstairs or in her room and she verbalized "room." Despite that decision it was a bit of a challenge to get her to her room, but I did. Her wet sheets were still on her bed, so I had to put her on her old, worn out mattress while I changed the sheets and sterilized the plastic mattress cover. She screamed for awhile and then went into an even higher gear of rage. She angrily got up and headed to the piano in her room and took out her anger on the keys for a minute or two before calming down. I left her there as I made fried eggs and brought them down. I helped her eat and also gave her a "rescue med," prescribed to help her calm down in her most agitated moments.

With a clean sheet on the mattress, I helped her lay down, got her pillow and beloved 'purple blanket' and tried to get her settled. "Daddy to sit by you," she said. I replied, "Do you want daddy to lay down by you on the mattress?"  "Yes." So I laid down and cuddled her. Soon she let out another agitated scream. I started to get up and said, "Elli, if you scream, I can't stay with you." Again she said, "Daddy to sit by you." I told her she couldn't scream any more and laid down by her. She was calm for a few minutes and then began to scream. Once again I started to get up but she quickly said, "Daddy to sit by you." I told her I would stay one more time, but if she screamed again I would leave. As I cuddled up to her she said, "Play Someone You Love." I didn't know that song by name, but figured she knew what she was asking for. I asked Alexa to play Someone You Love and sure enough, it is a popular Lewis Capaldi song. As the beautiful intro started playing and I immediately recognized it, I was suddenly struck by the thought that this was Elli's way of saying, "I love you, Dad." 

I am grateful to be "someone you love" to our sweet Elli. 

Count your many blessings

Jenkin Lloyd Jones, a minister in the United States around the turn of the 20th century, gave this prescient description of our time on this earth:  

"Life is like an old time rail journey…delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”

As I come to the end of one year and the beginning of another, this description feels rather apt.  This has been a year of magnificent highs and difficult lows. Today I faced one of the most devastating challenges of my professional career. After taking some time to try and catch my breath I looked for ways to recover and overcome. The words of a hymn came to my mind:

When upon life's billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one, 
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

So here I am in front of the computer, listening to uplifting Christian music and blogging about my blessings. I truly feel much better already! I could write extensively about so many blessings, but since nobody wants a 47-page blog post, I'm going to write about 18 blessings as 2018 comes to an end.  I'll keep the descriptions short and filled with things that are particularly impactful to me.

1. The Gospel of Jesus Christ. Because of His grace, I can be forgiven, return to live with my Father in Heaven, see Jacob and Emily and my sister Tiffany again and have an eternal family. Unbelievable blessings!

2. My wife Christianne. I tried to find the right adjective to describe her, but it's impossible. She has made my life so much better in so many ways that there is no way to put into words what a tremendous blessing she has been. A partner who loves me in spite of me, who loves our children as much as I do, who loves to travel and work and play and parent with me. 

3. Taylor. Our firstborn. Made me a dad. Endured so many mistakes from an inexperienced father. Still likes to camp and hike and spend time with me. Great student. Great brother. Great son. Movie buff extraordinaire.

4. Parker. Unstoppable. Full of dreams and goals and a vision for his future. Thoughtful. He always looks out for his siblings and his parents. He loves his mom so much! Musician and athlete. Joy to be with. Still says "I love you" at the end of every phone call.

5. Jessica. Still loves to be tucked in each night by dad. Diligent student. Loves to play games. Great friend. Wonderful travel companion. Talented fashion hair designer. Willing to help around the house. Involved in church and strives to stay close to the spirit.

6. Elli. Precious, perfect angel. More challenging than all the other kids combined, but completely innocent in her trials. Full of joyous, happy belly laughs. Lover of music. Lover of food. Lover of her family.

7. Graci. Example of endurance and perseverance. Hard worker. Showers attention on her siblings. Pure testimony of Jesus Christ from the moment she learned of Him. Strives to let only the best entertainment influences into her mind. Christlike example.

8. Xander. Happy, joyful, sometimes silly. Always looking for opportunities to serve. Fantastic chef. Loyal friend. Obedient. Long-suffering and patient through multiple health issues. Great singer of Kumbaya. Sensitive. Fun!

9. Lexi. A glowing light to all who know her. Outgoing and always looking for new friends among strangers. Gorgeous and versatile singing voice. Patient friend and sister to Sophi. Partner to Conner. Vulnerable yet able to rise above the challenges of her blindness.

10. Sophi. Power packed bundle of energy. A little rock star. To know her is to love her. Ebullient. Effervescent. Exuberant. Persistent seeker of pets. Writer of stories and lists and letters. Best hugger in the world.

11. Cali. Sweet and sassy. Quiet everywhere but home, loves to share her opinions with her family. So beautiful inside and out. Talented artist. Great friend. Hard-working student. Always does her chores. Rises above her challenges. Stands out while she sits down.

12. Conner. Patient and caring. Loves his family and cherishes being part of it. Always concerned for Elli and her needs. Wants a girlfriend before he dies:) Piano player extraordinaire. Handsome, humorous, humble. Fearless in so many ways.

13. Our home. I am still so grateful to so many who sacrificed so much to help us be in this amazing house. It is a place that fits our family and allows our kids to have their friends come over. Adaptations for our special needs help us so much. We love to travel, but we always feel so grateful to come back to our special home.

14. My parents. I am grateful for parents who taught me about Jesus Christ. Parents who loved me. Parents who set expectations for education that have helped me throughout my life. Parents who have been willing to admit their mistakes and do their best to move on.

15. My siblings. I'm grateful for our text group. So glad that the five of us who are still alive are also still friends. I'm grateful for the love and support I feel from each of them in their own ways. I'm grateful for Tiffany and for faith that life continues after we are gone from this earth.

16. My in-laws.  I have the greatest in-laws in the world and couldn't ask for more acceptance or love from them. Their support of our family is unbelievable.

17. The mountains that surround us here in Utah. I love the connection to nature and to God that I feel when I am hiking. I love the beauty I can see from our deck. Sunrises and sunsets over the Wasatch and Oquirrh ranges. 

18. The scriptures. As I am counting my blessings and working through the challenges that life has thrown at me, I am comforted by two of my favorite verses. Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." and Romans 8:28 "...all things work together for good to them that love God..."

So often throughout my life I have seen the grace of God take something that at first seemed like a trial and turn it into a tremendous blessing for me. I have faith that He knows all and that He loves us because we are His children. I truly can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Jeremy

PS. Try counting your blessings.  It's very therapeutic!!!

Bittersweet Moments

I now have new motivation to blog regularly!  We have a son who has left the house.  All his life we've wanted to Taylor to someday attend college and become independent.  But when that day came (last Wednesday) it was so bittersweet.  We are so proud of him.  He is a freshman at BYU.  He earned enough scholarship money to pay for his first year's tuition.  He's a great person with great goals.  He's fun to be around.  He makes good choices.  And all of those things make it so hard to see him go.  Fortunately he's only a 45-minute drive away (he already came home for Labor Day!).  But we also know it will never be the same.  I miss my two-year old Taylor and my seven-year old Taylor and my 15-year-old Taylor and everything in between.  I hear that eventually grandkids make everything worth it, but I still have awhile before that happens.  In the meantime, we will eagerly await phone calls, texts and emails from our firstborn.  Hopefully he will enjoy blog posts about all of us at home.  We love you, Taylor!  And as uncle Tyler said, "What would Jeremy do during his first year of college?  Don't do that!"

Jeremy

Finally on campus!

So hard to say goodbye :(

Taylor is somewhere in that Y made up of the freshman class of 2018

Poignant Moments

Being the parent of blind children is a tremendously humbling experience.  Watching (and I can see the irony here) Lexi and Conner perform the simplest of daily tasks can sometimes bring me to tears. Most of the time I don't even notice it, partly because they do things so well and partly because I'm just used to it.  But once in awhile the significance of living without sight hits me hard.  It may be Conner clearing his dinner plate and his helpless realization that someone has moved the kitchen garbage can.  Or Lexi sitting with us as we watch America's Got Talent and suddenly realizing that she can only really experience the singing acts.  Or transporting the two of them home from a camp with the Utah School for the Blind and watching as they struggle to get their suitcases back in the house from the garage.  Life is not fair.

And yet, these children who cannot see the light bring so much of it into the lives of others.  Lexi's infectious smile, gregarious nature and willingness to sing for pretty much anyone and everyone she ever meets brings joy to so many people.  Conner's dry sense of humor, continual insistence that he needs a girlfriend before he dies and his talent on the piano make those around him alternately laugh with him or be amazed by him.

I haven't mentioned Elli because the poignancy of her life transcends the struggle to sightlessly do what everyone else does.  She is often happy, and equally often at least contented.  But she also has many moments (or hours!) when she is in anguish, crying out for something.  Something we cannot discern. I don't know how much even she understands what it is she wants.  Sometimes she seems completely lost in a different world, but sometimes it feels like she knows exactly what she wants and is tormented by her inability to communicate her needs.

The other day I had two moments, one that made me so happy as I witnessed the ingenuity and cooperation of my kids, one that was a simple representation of what they have to overcome.

First moment: I walked into the kitchen and saw the cooks.  Lexi and Conner are both able to prepare their own ramen noodles in the microwave.  We have two microwaves, one above the counter and one below.  The lower oven has braille stickers that enable these two to use it.  Conner had put his noodles in the lower oven and started it.  Lexi didn't want to wait until his were done, so she put her noodles in the upper oven and shut the door.  Unable to tell where the numbers were, Lexi wrapped both of her arms tightly around Sophi's torso.  Lex then lifted with all her might, and leaned back so that Sophi was angled up.  Sophi reached out with her toes to put 3 minutes on the timer.  I wish I had taken a picture!!!  Watching these kids demonstrate their independence was a great way to start my day.  (And yes, it was breakfast they were cooking.  In China, there's really no difference between breakfast food and dinner food, so ramen noodles are great any time of day😋.)

Second moment:  I was tasked with changing the sheet on Lexi's mattress.  Lexi sleeps in the upper, built-in bunk in the room she shares with Sophi.  If you've never changed the sheets on a bunk bed, consider yourself lucky.  It's a bit of a challenge.  When we designed our home, we wanted built in bunks in the girls' rooms and we put in electrical outlets by each bed for reading lights, alarm clocks, etc.  A couple of incredible local artists volunteered their time to paint both girls' rooms with a Disney Tangled theme.  They painted pretty much every square inch of the walls, and it really does feel like you are walking into whatever kingdom Rapunzel lives in.  Part of their efforts included painting the cover plates on the electrical outlets.  As I climbed up to Lexi' bed to change the sheets, I noticed her outlet.  Again, one of those simple moments that sucked the breath out of me.  I saw this:

Once completely covered in paint, much of it has now been scraped clean by metal prongs as Lexi has tried to find the holes to plug in her phone charger.  Such a small thing, but a great representation of how challenging life can be.  It is also a great example of determination and perseverance.

I didn't start this post with any intention of advocating adoption, but I am suddenly overwhelmed with  a combination of compassion, sorrow and hope for those who could adopt but haven't yet.  Please consider it.  It is wonderful for the kids who become part of a forever family.  But perhaps the most powerful blessings come to those who bring these children into their lives.  You will be blessed.  Your current kids will be blessed.  Grandmas, grandpas, cousins, aunts and uncles will be blessed.  Neighbors, church congregations and entire student bodies will be blessed.  We have truly been blessed beyond comprehension by these giant spirits in slightly broken bodies.

Jeremy

On a humorous note: Sophi and I were talking and my large belly was stretching my t-shirt a bit tight.  I commented, "I can't believe I used to be 25 pounds heavier than this!"  Sophi looked at my stomach and said, "How did you fit on rides???"  Great question, Soph! 😂

Anxiety

In a turn toward a more serious topic, I have been contemplating writing this blog post for over a year.  I felt like it could be both therapeutic for me and possibly helpful to someone out there who might be experiencing something similar.  Let's delve into the fun topic of anxiety/depression.

My first experience with anxiety happened in 2007 while in China to adopt Elli.  I was soooo excited to finally get my arms around the sweet girl I had fallen in love with from across the world!  I quite honestly had much more excitement than nervousness and felt much peace about our decision.  I packed her suitcase meticulously, prepared everything I needed for Taylor, Parker and Jesi to stay with grandparents, and felt ready for this giant change in our lives.  But I must admit, with all of the preparation that went into that trip, I was very short on sleep as I got onto that airplane.  Landing in Beijing found me thrilled, excited, nervous yet peaceful, and completely EXHAUSTED.  I was grateful that we would have 2-3 days to recover from jet lag before we met our Elli.  But much to my dismay, I couldn't sleep!  And knowing how much I needed that sleep just left me trying harder to sleep and more frustrated when I couldn't.  Over the next 48 hours, I began to experience some very uncomfortable symptoms.   I felt as if adrenaline was coursing through my body at alarming speed, causing actual pain in my arms and legs.  My heart felt like it was pounding in my chest and in my throat.  I felt tingly all over, and would feel strangely removed from reality-- almost an out-of-body feeling that was extremely disconcerting.  But the worst part was the feeling of impending doom.  I seriously considered that I was dying, and even went through all of the thought processes of "how are they going to get my body to America?"  "What are my kids going to do without their mommy?"  These thoughts only worsened the physical symptoms I was experiencing, until I finally told Jeremy, "I need to be in the hospital."

After being admitted and talking about my symptoms, the doctors kept asking me questions about stress, and inside I was like, "Are you kidding me?  Something very wrong is going on and they are thinking it is just stress?"  My heart rate was very high, and they hooked me up to an IV.  In the meantime, flies were buzzing all around me, I was laying on a soiled sheet, and the man in the bed a couple feet away from me kept turning over in my direction to cough up blood all over the floor, which was sporadically "mopped" up by a dirty mop in the corner of the room.  Jeremy finally turned to me and said, "I don't care what is going on, being here in this hospital is only going to hurt you."  He carried me out, with the guide holding the IV machine I was still hooked up to.  

Back in the hotel, I laid in bed and thought I was probably going to die right there.  I know that sounds so dramatic, but it's how I felt at the time.  Jeremy finally got hold of our doctor in Tennessee.  After describing my symptoms to him over the phone, he told Jeremy that is sounded like I was having an anxiety attack.  He suggested trying to find a benzo until he could figure out how to get some medication to me.   Thankfully, another couple that we were traveling with had a prescription for Xanax and gave me one.  I remember thinking that there was NO WAY it was going to work, because this couldn't be a panic attack.  I was EXCITED about the adoption, not panicked!  My personality is easy going!  I was a laid back person and peaceful about bringing Elli into our family.  Why in the world would I be having a panic attack?

And yet, 30 minutes after taking the Xanax, my symptoms began to dissipate and I drifted into a peaceful sleep.  What. In. The. World?

Later that day, I felt the symptoms start to creep back and took another pill.  Magic.  And lucky for me, this was only repeated a few times before I was completely myself again.

Why do I start with this story?  Because for whatever LAME reason, I was completely embarrassed about the whole situation.  In fact, it took years for me to ever even admit what had happened.  We told the story about being in the hospital, but I was happy to let people assume I had had food poisoning or something of the sort.  Because why would someone LIKE ME (insert snort!) ever land in the hospital with something like anxiety?  And a panic attack?  Isn't that just something you can talk yourself out of?  Just calm down and take some deep breaths, right?  (;  Plus, it didn't fit my personality to have anxiety.  HAHAHA.

I did learn from that experience to have so much compassion and empathy for people dealing with anxiety, but I still didn't have an understanding of just how debilitating and awful it could be-- because mine was very short lived.  I did have a handful of other times in the coming years where (usually preceded by little sleep) I would feel symptoms coming on and take one of my magic pills I now ALWAYS carried with me.   

Insert 2016.  Various events in my life were such that I began to notice more often the symptoms of anxiety.  It was never a full blown panic attack like I had in China, but it was miserable and uncomfortable and disconcerting.  I finally, reluctantly went to my doctor and tearfully told him I needed some help.  He was so gentle and kind and gave me a prescription to help both my anxiety and also the depression that I found mixing in as I dealt with the effects of the anxiety.  Except the medication backfired.  It just made everything worse.  Over the course of the next few months, I delved into a full-blown battle with anxiety.  I tried four different medications before finding one that helped.  It was tricky, because medications take a long time to work and so it can take a very long time to figure out what works best with your body.  In the meantime, I tried supplements and exercise and therapy and basically anything I read about.   Even then, I found myself in the ER twice during that time.

Through it all, the very few people that knew what was going on would tell me, "It will get better!  You will get better!"  And I tried desperately to believe them.  It was LIFE-SAVING to have a mom, sister and best friends who had also dealt with anxiety and knew the right things to say and do to help me through a day.  My sweet mom came up several times to help.  My cute friends would come over and clean my house while I laid in bed and cried.  My sister would pick up the phone every day and listen to me cry over and over and over.  Having them understand was the most important part of my healing.  I remember telling Jeremy that I would do anything to just have the flu-- desperately wanting him to understand how awful of a thing anxiety is.  But even though he was helpful and caring, I NEEDED people who knew how to empathize because of experience.  And I realized how sad it was that there are people who go through this alone.  I cannot imagine doing so!  I literally don't know how I could have survived it.  I'm so grateful that I had women close to me that understood and were there for me, because at the time, I didn't talk to anyone else about it.  Most people had no idea of what I was going through privately.  Somehow in public I was able to hide it all. And thinking of the thousands (millions?) of people who do go through this alone made me realize that it's so important to TALK ABOUT IT!  Mental illness is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed about.  In fact, it should illicit the most tender feelings of compassion in people, because it is devastatingly hard.

I remember so many breakthroughs during the worst times of struggle.  One of those times will likely sound silly if I try to explain it, but it was profound to me.  During especially difficult moments, my mom taught me to take walks.  Walks around the block were too much for me (I didn't want to run into anybody I would have to talk to, I didn't know when I would break down and need to go inside-- plus I was usually barefoot and in my jammies!)  So I would walk around the sidewalk in the backyard.  My neighbors probably thought I was crazy.  Over and over I would circle it-- sometimes locking arms with my mom or Jeremy, other times by myself.  One time I found myself walking particularly fast, like I was trying to run from the anxiety.  I literally felt Satan creeping into my thoughts and I was trying desperately to escape him.  After fast-walking for 15 minutes or so, I had the simplest impression.  It was to stop, turn around, and walk the other way.  I did it, and I felt powerful for the first time.  It was like walking straight into the anxiety, straight into the negativity, and straight into my fears.  I started talking out loud.  I said, "You're not going to win.  This is just anxiety.  This is not me."  Over and over I would repeat those words, walking in the "direction" of the anxiety.  It was empowering.  I cried and cried.  Of course, it didn't solve it-- but in the moment it gave me hope. Therapy helped me tremendously.  There are definitely techniques and habits that can help in a battle against anxiety/depression.  But it usually takes more.  It takes a combination of many things to fight it effectively.   And it's sill a battle I continue to fight, although thankfully, I have found the right combination to keep it to a manageable battle.

Everyone who struggles with anxiety has a different experience.  There are so many symptoms, and everyone has a different combination with varied intensities.  There are some sites that lists hundreds of symptoms of anxiety.  Many of these symptoms can also be symptoms of something more serious, the thought of which causes more anxiety and the process becomes quite cyclical.  Also, medications often have side effects which can add to symptoms.  Over the course of a year, I found myself having MRIs, an endoscopy, and countless blood tests.  A very non-comprehensive list of some of my symptoms were/are as follows:

brain fog

numbness and tingling in hands, feet and face

dizziness

debilitating vertigo

headaches

chest pain

heart palpitations

back and neck pain

shortness of breath

burning skin

cold skin

feeling like you're going crazy

inability to sleep

extreme exhaustion

fear of impending doom

pulsing in ear

ringing in ear

sweating

trembling/shaking

muscle spasms

lump in throat feeling

body and brain zaps

flushing

feeling cold to the bone

feeling wrong/different/strange

pins and needles feeling

nausea

loss of appetite

increase in appetite

shooting pains in body

TMJ (isn't that weird it's associated with anxiety?)

dry mouth

feeling afraid

feeling hopeless

difficulty thinking

depersonalization

emotions feeling wrong

blurred vision

My purpose in sharing this???

PLEASE, if you have anxiety/depression, know that you are not alone!  As everyone kept telling me, it can get better!  There is a combination of solutions that can work for you.  

Don't be embarrassed or ashamed or self-conscious of your anxiety/depression!  So many people understand.  So many people empathize.  It is not an indicator of your strength or abilities.  

If people do judge you, let it go.  They simply don't understand and that's ok.  I was so worried to admit that I struggled with anxiety because I felt people would automatically think I brought it on myself, specifically by having so many children.  Haha. (Incidentally, I am 1,000% happy with that facet of my life). I've now realized that people have to understand that the number of children one has is not proportional to anxiety. Single people have anxiety. People with NO kids have anxiety.  People with 1-2 kids have anxiety.  People from every walk of life have anxiety.  People who are capable, happy, successful, spiritual--they can all struggle with anxiety.  It can hit anyone.  It doesn't care what kind of temperament or personality you have.  And it's mean!  It often creeps in when you are already going tough things like addictions, struggles with kids, health issues, death, marital problems, employment issues... there are so many stresses that can trigger anxiety/depression.  And then sometimes, there is no apparent trigger at all!  In fact, much of the time my anxiety flares up at the happiest, most peaceful moments of my life.  Anxiety and depression are completely unpredictable, and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

Finally, if someone you love struggles with anxiety/depression, just LOVE them!  Have as much compassion as you can muster, even though we know it's extremely difficult for you, too!  Anxiety can leave heavy burdens on loved ones.  Know that it can get better.  Know that you are appreciated and noticed, even if it doesn't feel like it.  And there is one, GOD, who always notices and is there for you, too!

I want to close by sharing this talk by Jeffrey R. Holland and encourage you to watch it if you haven't.  You don't have to be a member of the LDS faith to glean something from it. 

The more open we can all be with our struggles, the more we can bless each other!   

--Christianne

This was the public me during some of the hardest months.  A good reminder that we can't always see someone's struggles by the way they look/act in public.   Everyone is fighting a battle.  

Incidentally, the meds that ended up helping me most also contributed to a lot of weight gain.  And I'm telling you, I'd be the 25 lbs heavier I am now than deal with severe anxiety any day!!!

Back to blogging!

This is it!  It's been soooo long since I've blogged, but I am (as I type) downloading photos/videos from my phone onto the computer and as I browse through hundreds and hundreds of precious photos and videos, I am just KICKING myself that I have neglected journaling them!!!  Life is so overwhelming and busy most of the time, but somehow, looking back on all of those treasured moments makes me realize how quickly life is passing by and how important it is to keep a record of this beautiful time of our lives!

I tend to be someone that is all or nothing-- and so when I sit down to blog and realize I have a thousand and one topics I could write about, I typically just shut down and do nothing!  Come to think of it, I'm like that with a messy house as well!  (;  But NO MORE!  It's ok if I don't blog everything-- I will blog SOME things.  (:  And honestly, even if I write every single day, it's such a small slice of our life.  Days are so full of fun and chaos and heartbreak and joy and stories and setbacks-- it's impossible to capture it all.  Some of it I don't even want to capture!  And then there's the fact that some kids are more private than others, and we try to respect that here...  But for the rest of this year, I will be DILIGENT in recording many of the crazy, beautiful moments that are found here in the Green household.  And I will start with a tender conversation I overheard the other day between Conner, Lexi, and Sophi.

Soph:  "Lexi, do you think I HAVE to have arms when Jesus comes again?"

Lex:  "Hmmm.  I don't know.  Do you not want arms?"

Soph:  "I don't think so.  Because I like using my feet.  And it would be boring to be like everyone else."

Lex:  "Yeah, like it's so much better when everyone is different.  It would be so boring if like, everyone's favorite color was red.  I mean, what kind of world would that be?"

Conner:  "Yeah, I don't think I very want to see.  Because I like being blind.  It's good to be different. Not everyone should be the same."

Soph:  "Yeah!  Like, it's good to be special like us!"

My kids melt my heart.

Incidentally, Conner came home the next day and said, "I changed my mind.  I do want to see, because then I could find my friends at lunch."

And this is how my heart goes from soaring to breaking a thousand times a day...  I guess it's the cycle of a parent as you watch your kids navigate the ups and downs of life.  Times that by 10 kids and it's no wonder my heart feels like it's been through the ringer every single day.  Joy.  Sorrow.  Gratitude.  Disappointment.  Grief.  Love.  Frustration.  Pride.  Peace.  Worry.  Excitement.  Trepidation.   Repeat every few minutes.  Ha!

--Christianne

"The Bye Bye Summertime Blues" or, "Thanks to Simon and Lucy"

The Green family summer officially ended last week.  How do we mark this sad occasion on an annual basis?  It's the week that American Ninja Warrior and America's Got Talent both end 😿.  

There are not many shows we watch together as a whole family.  Besides the logistical difficulty of getting 12 people together at the same time, there is the challenge of finding programs that interest everyone.  Our first foray into a true family television experience was I Love Lucy.  One Sunday afternoon several years ago, the kids were bored.  I invited them to watch one of my favorite comedies and see what they thought.  When I told them it was I Love Lucy, Parker asked if it was in black and white.  After my affirmative response, the invitation had to become a mandate.  One episode was all I would require. Then they could take it or leave it.  We have the entire series on DVD, and before the evening was over, we had watched 11 episodes:).  The kids were hooked.  In the several years since, we have watched the entire series and have come to view the Ricardos and the Mertzs as close family friends.  Thank you Lucy (and Ricky and Fred and Ethel) for providing us so many laughs together.

We would watch these episodes of I Love Lucy on an intermittent basis when we could find the time, but it wasn't until a couple of years ago that we began having must-see-TV nights as a family.  Taylor and Parker had started watching American Ninja Warrior.  I had seen clips of it here and there, and was definitely impressed with the strength and the agility of the contestants, but I had not yet caught the vision.  It wasn't until I came across Jessica completely engrossed in an episode that I realized I needed to take note.  Jessica detests watching sports.  She won't watch basketball, baseball, tennis, or anything else even remotely similar.  She decries our Saturdays-in-the-fall college football watching with vehemence.  And yet here she was, cheering on some guy she had no real rooting interest in with all her might.  What was this program that could transcend the pink force field our Jesi had surrounded herself with?  I sat down next to her and the rest is history.  Monday nights through the summer, anyone who is free gathers on the couch to watch these tenacious athletes cheer each other on through brutally difficult obstacle courses.  Sadly, the inspiration they give me to get into shape is counteracted by the bowl of ice cream I'm eating as I watch. 😏

Christi and I started watching episodes of Britain's Got Talent many years ago on youtube.  The American version was ok, but they struggled to get the right mix of judges and hosts.  If you're a fan of BGT, you know that Simon Cowell makes the show and that Ant and Dec are the best hosts ever.  Given that it is very difficult to find BGT episodes online any more, we are so glad that Simon has brought his unique mix of Evil Stepmother and Fairy Godmother across the pond.  Now our summer Tuesdays (and Wednesdays once they drag out the live shows into two nights) are filled with adolescent singers, death-defying rollerskaters, geriatric crooners and all manner of magicians, dancers, ventriloquists, dog acts and other novel forms of really spectacular entertainment.  It has become a very fun tradition that just about everyone in the family can enjoy.  Thank you, Simon, for sharing your creative genius with the world and giving us such spectacular fun.  

It's not the best family picture, but it is a good representation of a large group of us chillin' on the couch, grateful for a big screen TV:).

Magic Kingdom

Our last day at Disney World!  So sad! Of course the fact that we were essentially going to start on a second vacation the next day helped assuage our grief ;).  We really do realize how lucky we are to have had such an amazing trip.  We just didn't know when or if we would ever fly the entire family to Florida again, so we figured we would try to pack it all in.

We saved Magic Kingdom for last.  (In case you don't know, Magic Kingdom is almost identical to Disneyland.)  While we love all of the parks, there is something nostalgically special about the original, and we wanted to end here.  We knew that going on a Saturday it might be a bit more crowded.  What we didn't know was that Ant and Dec, the hosts from Britain's Got Talent, would be there that day as well, doing some kind of broadcast.  The combination of these two things made it a SUPER crowded day!  It was challenging to navigate the crowds and took much patience to stand in long lines.  Fortunately it started to clear out by early afternoon, and by the evening, there were hardly any lines at all.

Jesi was so excited when she found out Ant and Dec were there.  She LOVES Britain's Got Talent!

Taylor and Parker get really intense with the Buzz Light Year ride competition:)

Christi and Sophi took a secret ride!  The rest of us were waiting in another area and these two told us they would be back soon. They found this kind of train ride around the park and snuck off together:)

Sophi got her face painted.  Where did she learn to pose like this?

We all rode the carousel.  Guessing from the looks on their faces, do you think that Taylor and Parker felt a bit coerced?

Splash Mountain Selfie

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad

It's a Small World:)

In front of Cinderella's castle.

If you look closely at Parker's shirt in the picture above, you can see that it is an image of Flynn Rider with the phrase, "Here Comes the Smolder." Christi gets oodles of credit for this fantastic shirt.  It was a Christmas present for Parker, and she looked forever before she found the perfect one.  In fact, if you've noticed, we've had Disney themed shirts on pretty much every day at Disney World and Harry Potter shirts at Universal.  Santa (well, Mrs. Santa!) orchestrated this for us with our Christmas presents.  And she was wise enough to know that if you purchase them before you go to Disney, you can actually get really good deals.  Way to go Mrs. Claus!!!

We got to meet lots of princesses, and we tried to convince Parker that he needed to get a picture alone with Rapunzel, since he had such a perfect shirt for the occasion.  I think he was too shy ;)

Our own little princess!

What an amazing trip!  The things I've shared on the blog are just a small portion of the amazing experiences we had.  The nightly shows, from the Star Wars extravaganza at Hollywood to Tinkerbell flying from Cinderella's castle at Magic Kingdom, were wonderful.  The turkey legs were awesome!  Space Mountain, Pirates of the Carribbean, The Indiana Jones stunt show, and so much more.  What an incredible trip.  And we were fortunate enough to leave it to go on a cruise.  So. Much. Fun!!!

Kids these days

I have always been grateful for the many incredible friends that my kids have.  I have been impressed with their level of respect and thoughtfulness and I genuinely love having them in my home.  But my real love affair with “kids these days” started in September when I learned that Graci was nominated for Homecoming Queen.  Graci is beautiful and bubbly and friendly, but she had not come out of her shell when it came to boys.  We often joked that she would have to actually talk to a boy in order to get asked out on a date.  (;  When Graci found out she was a finalist, she was so ecstatic and adorable and happy about it except for one thing—she didn’t have a date.  She had been told she needed to be at the dance the next evening in case she was crowned and wasn’t quite sure what to do. Well, I sent out a text to a couple of friends and one hour later, the nicest young man—one who hardly even knew Graci—was at our door with some pizzas in his hand.

If you are a parent, you may have an idea of what that did to my heart.  Not only did was he a charming and handsome date, he showed up in this car to take her to the dance:

Graci was indeed crowned Homecoming Queen and had a wonderful, special night thanks to one of these “kids these days.”

In the days following Graci’s Homecoming date, Cali hinted several times about how much she wanted to be asked to her Bargain Ball.  We have a rule in our family that you can’t date until you are 16, and Cali would have her birthday the day before Bargain Ball.  Of course, my mama heart wanted so badly for her to be asked, but not only is Cali very soft spoken and shy, there is the fact that she is in a wheelchair.  I was worried that boys might be a little intimidated by that fact and not really consider her because of it.  I tried to tell her that a lot of times girls don’t get asked out right when they turn 16 and that it might take some time to get asked on a date.  So a few days later when Jeremy and I, out on a date together, got a text from Parker with this picture, you might understand why we both started to cry:

One of the cutest and most popular guys at school had asked Cali to the dance.  She was over the moon, but I’m pretty sure Jer and I were even more so.  Hunter treated her like the princess that she is and she glowed that night!

Cali has continued to go on dates with such great guys.  Here are photos of Winter Waltz with Bobby and Sweethearts with Nathan:

And, she already has a handsome date (Gable) to Prom in a few weeks!

But perhaps my most favorite moment with “kids these days” came this evening.  Conner turned 16 last July, but hasn’t been asked on a date.  Because he is in ninth grade, most of his friends aren’t dating.  It's difficult for him to ask girls out because most of the girls he is friends with are too young.  It’s been a little hard on him, as he loves girls more than, well, anything!   Well, tonight a sweet girl named Robyn showed up at our door and asked for Conner.  I’ll just let the video tell the story.

After Robyn left tonight, Conner came in my room, gave me a hug and said, “Mom, I feel like I’m in a dream.”  I thought I’d melt into a puddle right then and there.

All of my kids, regardless of their special needs and even because of them, are worthy of fun and laughter and friendship and parties and dates and love.  I know that, and I think they know that.  But I will admit that I was worried that other kids their age would not know that.  I was worried that even though there are many kind hearted and outgoing and wonderful kids that they would be afraid of blindness and wheelchairs and broken English and missing arms and shyness. 

Bryant, Hunter, Bobby, Nathan, Gable, Robyn—you prove wrong anyone that wants to categorize  “kids these days” as self-centered and entitled.  You are selfless and accepting and just all-around awesome. You see my kids for what they are-- amazing and incredible and courageous and worthy.  Erin, Tanner, Marcus, Tannon, Aspen, Kaytlin, Lily, Anna, Kara, Sehdi, Cora, Payton, London, Claire, Carissa, and so many, many more in our community and around the world who accept and love and include everyone for who and what they are, I salute you.  You have my gratitude.  You have my admiration.  You have my heart.

The Perfection of Sophi

We feel so grateful to have Aunt Jenny in our lives!  Born on my 3rd birthday, my sister Jennifer has been one of my closest friends throughout my life.  She is an amazing, generous, capable, brilliant person.  On multiple occasions she has watched all of our kids while Christi and I have been on vacation.  She loves our family and we love her!  This is a journal entry she wrote about sweet Sophi.  Thank you, Jen, for the empathy, concern and service you continue to show our family!

Christi told me something Sophi said the other day and it still has me contemplating all the hidden lessons within the simple sentence. 

So Sophi has no arms. This in and of itself is a challenge that no one with arms can even begin to wrap their heads around. Observing Sophi, helping Sophi, and loving Sophi have given me the barest inkling of what life without arms could mean to a person, but I would never deign to claim I have any idea of what she faces each and every day.

But not having arms was apparently not enough of a challenge, so she also is missing a bone in one leg which means that one leg is weaker and shorter than the other. And as she grows taller, the discrepancy between the two legs is growing more pronounced. In order to walk, she now has to walk on the “tip-toes” of the shorter leg so she can attempt to match leg lengths and have only a slight limp instead of a very pronounced one.

But not having arms and having uneven legs was apparently not enough of a challenge, so she also has severe eczema and her legs have patches of dry, itchy, uncomfortable skin that no amount of creams and tinctures can fully eliminate.

However, having said all that…the amazing part about being around Sophi is that you eventually don’t see it. She’s just Soph. She’s not “the girl without arms” or “the poor little thing.” She’s Soph and mostly you don’t even see her as different…she’s just Soph! 

And because of this, it can be easy for me to forget the challenges she must face. So when Christi told me this story, at first I, like Christi, had my heart break.

Christi said she was with Sophi and Sophi was scratching the eczema on one leg with the toenails of her other foot. I wasn’t there for the conversation, so I don’t know exactly where it took place or what Sophi was wearing, but since she was scratching her skin, I picture her with her little legs exposed. Maybe she was changing into her PJs. So I picture sweet, little Soph standing with bare legs. And without a shirt on, the armlessness of her is infinitely more poignant. So I picture her, standing there as she scratches the eczema on one leg with the toes of her shorter leg, perhaps wobbling a bit because she doesn’t have arms to help her balance. As pathetic as Sophi is NOT, this image does have the heartbreaking ring of something pathetic to it…she can’t even scratch her own leg with the solid force generated from fingernails attached to fingers…to hands…to arms. And Christi said that as Sophi was scratching her eczema thusly, Sophi said, “I wish I had a different life.”

At which point in the story, my heart breaks and I just want to burst into tears and curse a plan that makes an eight-year-old feel this way. And I loathe myself ever so slightly for any time I have wished for things to be different in my life because what in the world do I have to complain about? And I want to scoop Sophi into my arms and hug her and love her and tell her it will all be okay, whether or not I believe this.

And all these emotions and thoughts run through my mind in the millisecond before Christi finishes her story. Christi answered Sophi at the time, “Oh, honey, why do you wish that?”

And Sophi answers, “Because I had Vanilla Life cereal and I like the regular flavor better.”

And after I stopped laughing over the utter darlingness of this story, the lessons it teaches started flooding in. First of all, whether or not Christi was consciously trying to be a good mother, what great mothering skill she displayed! She didn’t jump in with soothing words to ease Sophi’s pain over wanting a “different life.” Nor did Christi start in on a lecture telling Sophi to appreciate what she already had and stop wasting time wishing for something better. (Not that Christi would ever do that…but some parents would!) Christi didn’t assume to know what Sophi needed…she asked. She probed deeper. She first sought to understand why Sophi said what she said. And got a delightful and unexpected response in return. 

And think of Sophi’s response! Think of her standing there scratching her eczema on one leg with the toes of the other…no arms…somewhat helpless…and not caring! She wasn’t focused on the eczema she was scratching with her toes…she was thinking about breakfast cereal! It’s priceless. The lessons! The perspective! I don’t really know why this story had such a profound effect on me that it is still whirling through my brain. Perhaps because too often, I wish I had a different life. But it is not cereal about which I am wishing. It is wishing for Tiffany to be back…or more money to buy a newer car…or a brain that doesn’t forget things so easily…or nieces or nephews that lived closer…or…whatever.

And Sophi’s sweet, simple, almost silly comment has renewed my efforts to focus on what matters most, enjoy the amazing life I do have, and not waste time wishing for a different life, cereal or otherwise!

--Jennifer