Monday, October 14, 2013

Laws of Life

Murphy's Law:  Anything that can go wrong, will.

Hanlon's Razor:  Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Green's Theorem:  Random difficulties are infinitely more likely to occur when only one parent is present.

I was on the home stretch.  Get the kids off to school and all is well.  One little appointment for Lexi and then Christi will be home and the universe will once again be in alignment.  So simple.  But of course our life couldn't be quite that easy.  

Our morning scripture study starts at 6:25. I usually get up at 6:20.  At 5:59 I woke up to a shuffling noise in my room.  It's always just a bit eerie to sleep by myself, so knowing someone else was by my bed gave me a bit of an adrenaline rush.  I figured it was one of the kids, but I must say I was relieved when I turned on the light and saw Jesi's face and not some guy in a ski mask.  (Side note:  we LOVE having light switches right by our bed:)  Sophi and Lexi were whispering in their room.  Jesi had determined this fact was important enough to our family's wellbeing that she needed to wake me up and let me know.  Of course, the worst thing that would have happened if Lexi and Sophi continued to talk was they would have woken me up...

I told Jess that it was OK as long as they were being quiet, and that she should go back to sleep.  (Judging from the completely-ready-for-school state she was in upon arriving in my room for scriptures 20 minutes later, I'm guessing she never made it into bed.)  I had an excruciating headache, so I took some ibuprofen and laid back down for 20 minutes.  Just drifted back off when Jesi came in and turned on the lights.  "Time for scriptures."  Head throbs.  I look at the clock.  6:15.  "Um, Jess.  Scriptures start at 6:25."  "Oh.  OK."  Lights go off.  Head throbs.  I just drift off when my alarm rings.  

After scriptures the older kids are sensitive enough to my lack of skills to realize I need extra time to get everyone to school.  They all volunteer to have school lunch instead of home.  Grateful, I tell them my head is killing me and I'm going to sleep until about 7.  You guessed it.  I finally drift off and the alarm rings.  

The older kids are almost entirely self-sufficient in the morning, so we say family prayer and then I help Cali out to the carpool.  It's now 7:28.  By 7:40 I have to have Elli up, Lexi bathed and hair washed and leave for school with Elli, Lexi, Sophi, Jesi and Xander.  I have to be back by 8am because Lexi is having a 3-day EEG and the technician will be arriving between 8 and 10.  I'm hoping it's not right at 8, because Lexi is supposed to have her hair washed and dried before the tech arrives.  Also, Elli's bus arrives at 8:15.  The race is on.  

Ask Jesi to go get Elli from her room and bring her upstairs.  Throw Lexi in the tub.  Wash her hair.  (Because of the EEG she can't use conditioner.  How is that going to work?)  Get her out.  "Jess, can you get Lexi dressed?"  Cut up an apple and spread peanut butter on a plate for Elli.  "Thanks for getting Lexi dressed.  Can you get Sophi out to the van?"  Hand peanut butter and apples to Xander.  "Can you feed Elli while we drive to school?"  Hand Jess the van keys at her request.  Apparently say "yes" when she asks if she can start the van.  Lock up.  Head out to the van and realize Jesi is filling our garage with carbon monoxide.  Give a quick lesson on why not to start a car when the garage door is shut.  Last thing I hear as I shut the side door is Sophi's plaintive cry, "I don't want to die!"

Jess and Xander are at school.  We are headed back. We'll make it home by 8, but if the EEG tech is there before 8:15 I won't have time to dry Lexi's hair.  I drive up to the home and open the garage door.  I pull in.  My phone rings.  EEG tech has the wrong address but is close.  Give her the right address.  She will be here in 20 seconds.  Not good.  I get the girls and walk in the house.  It's very dark.  Several things are beeping.  I'm focused on Elli and Lexi and don't put things together very quickly.  I turn on the light.  Only the light doesn't turn on.  I try it again.  What is going on???  The electricity is out.  You've got to be kidding me.  Sometime between opening the garage door and flipping the light switch we lost power.  

I yell out the front door to EEG lady (Tena.)  Do you need electricity for what you're doing?  'Cuz ours seems to be out.  She does indeed.  She has us scheduled for a two-hour appointment, so she comes in to wait for awhile.  I usher her into the living room, apologize for the wet hair and my lack of ability to be in the room with her and I rush off to get Elli dressed.  There are still at least three loud beeps coming every 10 seconds.  New house-I have no idea where they're coming from.  One starts to be overpoweringly obnoxious.  I track it to our security system and turn that beeper off. I start taking the duct tape off of Elli's clothes.  (It worked last night.  YEAH!!!)  Elli fights me, making it even more challenging.  (Ever left duct tape on clothing overnight and then tried to remove it in the morning?  The warmth of the body stickifies it even more than already ridiculously adhesive duct tape normally is.  It can be a bit challenging.)  Clothes off.  BEEP. Help her use the bathroom.  BEEP.  Pull-up on.  BEEP.  Complete stranger in the living room talking to Lex and Soph.  BEEP.  Clothes on.  BEEP.  Looking for socks.  Can only find socks with the toes cut off (for Soph).  BEEP.  Suddenly realize that one of the beeps is the computer backup battery.  BEEP.  Turn off computer and backup.  BEEP.  (Man that thing's obnoxious!  What is it?  Don't have time to look since bus will be here momentarily.)  BEEP.  Find socks and shoes.  Put them on.  BEEP.  Put on harness.  BEEP.  "I'm taking Elli out to the bus.  Sorry to leave you alone in here.  Be back in a minute!"  BEEP.  Get Elli on the bus.

Take a deep breath.

Back inside.  Notice that Tena is now doing Lexi's hair.  Maybe it was a good thing I didn't get very far with that.  She'll do a much better job than I could have.  BEEP.  Start looking for the beep.  BEEP.  Track it down to the elevator.  BEEP.  Realize it's likely a backup battery like I have for the computer.  BEEP.  Flip a couple of big power switches in the control room.  Wait.  Wait.  SILENCE.  Glory be!

I finally have a minute to talk to Tena.  She explains that there is a fair amount of prep before she needs the electricity, so she'll get that done and see how things are.  By the time she's got Lexi's hair braided and marker all over her head for the spots where the EEG goes, the electricity still isn't on.  She can come back later, but perhaps we have a relative locally and could go there instead.  Hmmm.  Where could we possibly go that has electricity?  Hmmm.  How about our other house that hasn't sold yet?  So we pack a couple of camp chairs and head out.

Tena fixes Lexi up good.  I believe she has 23 wires attached to her!  Pretty cute.  Tena is enamored with Lex and Soph.  We finish up with not a second to spare.  Got to rush back home and get Sophi ready for her bus.  Pull up to the house and the granite repair guy is sitting and waiting in his car for us.  Electricity is back.  YEAH!  Show Raul the crack in the granite.  Tell him I can talk in several minutes once Sophi is on the bus.  Take her to the bathroom.  Change her clothes.  Feed her a frozen GuGurt.  Rush out to the bus.  Apologize for the hair and the lack of a coat.  Explain that mom isn't here and dad is an imbecile.  Driver agrees.

Take a deep breath.



  1. This was SUCH an entertaining post. Y'all are all just delightful!

  2. This is so funny. I love your stories! So glad you are blogging again. In your spare time (ha!) could you update on Connor & if the new pajamas that Christi ordered for Elli several months ago worked? Since duct tape is now involved, I'll guess they didn't? Sophi saying, "I don't want to die!" had me laughing so hard. What sweet & funny kids!

  3. You couldn't have made that up. Sophi's "plaintive cry" made me laugh out loud. I am glad you can joke about it allI! It's laugh or cry. :)

  4. Is there anything I can do to help?

  5. How you don't collapse from exhaustion after a morning like that I don't know. Bless you!


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