Do You Know What I Know

This post has been weighing on my mind for awhile now. I thought about it every day in November, because it was National Adoption Month. I knew that there was a post needing to be written-- I knew who was wanting me to write it. I felt Him encourage me to do so, but I felt so lost every time I sat down. I do not consider myself a writer. My heart can feel so deeply and it wants to let people in, but I cannot find the words to match the feelings.

Then I heard this song, arranged by Paul Cardall (one of my favorites!) Go ahead, turn up the volume and enjoy it-- it is beautiful.

I know the title is “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

But as I first listened to this arrangement a few days ago, the phrase that went over and over in my head was “Do You Know What I Know?”

I had the most powerful feeling sweep over me, and knew once again that there were words needing to be written. It may not be for you, but it is for someone.

Do you know what I know?

Do you know that there are roughly 150 million orphans in the world. 150,000,000. One hundred fifty million. It is overwhelming no matter how it is written.

Do you know that these are not just nameless, imaginary children? Because I think that’s what I once thought. It was easier to just somehow think that they weren’t real. That those pictures I looked at on adoption websites were somehow pictures of children who really did have homes. I think, even up until the day we first held Elli in our arms, I almost expected it not to be real. That this little file I had reviewed was not actually a child without a parent to tuck her in at night.

Do you know that right now, right this very instant, there are thousands of photolistings of children who will not have Santa visit them this year?

Do you know that even if “someone else” adopts them, that there will always be others.

Do you know that EVERY time we have adopted, we have wrestled with many of the same questions and concerns you may be thinking of right now?

How will we come up with the money?

What will it mean to the children we already have?

How in the world will I meet the needs of everyone entrusted to my care?

How will I know if it’s right for our family?

Wouldn’t a mother with less on her plate be a better fit for this child?

How can I adopt a child who I cannot even communicate with?

Can I love another child as much as I love the ones I now have?

How can I consider special needs I know NOTHING about?

How can we fit another child in our home?


The short answer to all of these questions is the same. And it has everything to do with God. A God who has billions of children, yet knows each of them perfectly, loves each of them perfectly, and meets each of their needs perfectly. It is about a God who so desperately wants each of His children to know the love of a mother and a father. It is about a God who, if can move mountains, can surely show you how to make adoption work, if it is His will.

Then there are the long answers.

How will we come up with the money?
I don’t know about you, but I don’t really know anybody who has thousands and thousands of dollars to spare. I don’t know anyone who can adopt without sacrificing financially. I DO know that there are dear, dear families who make much less than we do and find a way to make it work. I do know that there is an $11,000 + tax credit to be used toward adoption expenses. I do know that some companies (thankfully ours is one) subsidize adoption. I do know that there are many grants available for families in need, and I know how to help you find them. I do know that yard sales and bake sales and pizza sales are all common ways that families raise money to bring a child home. And I do know that HE knows your situation. And, like I mentioned, HE can move mountains. (By the way, we are trying to move mountains for one very special, beautiful family who so desires to adopt and is struggling with the financing. If adoption is something you can't consider, maybe you can help us help them!!!)

What will it mean to the children we already have?
Well, it can mean lots of things. It can mean sacrifice and sharing an already shared room. It can mean spending two weeks away from your parents as they travel to pick up a new brother or sister who may or may not be scared, ornery, unwilling to share, and who very well might monopolize your parent’s time. For awhile. It can also mean pure, unequivocal joy. It can mean learning gratitude and charity and Christlike love. It can mean that a six-year-old little girl will learn to pray EVERY day for miracles for her blind sister. It can mean that a ten-year-old boy will tell you he has never felt the Savior’s love so strongly in his life as when he watched his new brother get sealed to him. It can mean an eleven-year-old girl has someone to speak her native language with, someone who looks like her and who she adores. It can mean a nine-year-old son will become the most sensitive, caring soul you have known as he watches over his adopted siblings. And I can tell you that it WILL mean that these children will have an abundance of blessings. Their sacrifices will not go unnoticed by the One who numbers each and every sparrow.

How in the world will I meet all the needs of those entrusted to my care?
I have no idea. I was overwhelmed with one child. I was overwhelmed with two. I am overwhelmed with six. I have never felt “on top” of all my responsibilities. I do not have a perfectly clean house. I rarely cook gourmet meals. I often go to bed and think “Ah, I wish I would have spent more time with so-and-so.” My kids are often fed cereal for dinner. In otherwords, I am very normal. I am like most mothers with 3 children or 8 children or 1 child. It is impossible to meet everyone’s needs perfectly. But I have six VERY LOVED children.

How will I know it’s right for my family?
Ah, the million dollar question!! I will say that I do know that adoption is not right for everyone. I do feel strongly, however, that it is right for more people than actually adopt. It isn’t just for those who struggle with infertility. It isn’t just for those who make a lot of money. It isn’t just for those who feel a gaping hole in their family. It is often for busy, full families like ours! It may be for you!! How will you know? Well, we are taught that every good thing comes from Christ. I don’t know of many things more “good” than bringing an orphan into a loving family and teaching that child the gospel of Jesus Christ. So adoption is good. Is it good for your family? You’ll just have to get on your knees and ask! (;

Wouldn’t a mother with less on her plate be better for this child?
I must say that I have wondered many times if Elli would have developed more quickly and fully in a home with a mother who had less children and more time. I have wondered many times if Graci would have felt more special as an only child. I have wondered if I am doing enough to meet the medical needs of Xander. I have not wondered if they would have been more loved somewhere else.

How can I adopt a child who I cannot even communicate with?
Xander used the word “actually” two times today, within five minutes, and used it correctly. He’s been home less than four months. Enough said. (:

Can I love another child as much as I love the ones I now have?
I have a story I used to tell Taylor, about when I found out I was pregnant with Parker. I told him how I was so very worried that I could never love my new little baby as much as I loved Taylor and how I was worried that the new baby would take up some of my love for Taylor. Then, how I miraculously loved that baby so completely and SOMEHOW loved Taylor even more than I had before. I told him how it happened again with Jessica, and how my love for each child grew with the addition of another. I didn’t know how much he had taken this to heart until a few days before I left to get Xander. Taylor came up to me with the sweetest smile and a hug and said, “Mom, are you so excited?? In just a few days you are going to love me even more than you love me now!” He knows the truth of parenthood. That a parent can love a new child perfectly, and somehow finds that his love for his existing children grows. Maybe that’s how our Father in Heaven loves each of us so much!! And yes, adopted children are every bit as worthy of that love as biological.

How can I consider special needs I know NOTHING about?
I still cannot explain Graci’s heart condition, nor pronounce Xander’s syndrome. In college I studied sign language, not Braille. I guess it’s the same as any parent who has a child born to them with special needs. You learn as you go. You ask lots of questions. You rely on the expertise of those around you. You google a lot. You realize that the Lord knows in detail the special needs of your child and you take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.

How can we fit another child in our home?
Well, we have three boys in one small bedroom. Two of them love it. One of them accepts it. (: We would love a bigger home and I’m secretly (or maybe not so secretly) crossing my fingers that we get one. But ours works. Yours may too. (;


I am not naïve. I know that there are many concerns I didn’t address. I know that there are some pretty major ones, like marital issues. And some pretty minor ones, like the mountains of paperwork. I know that adoption will quite likely be the hardest thing you will ever do. I know it will bring unique challenges to each family that embraces it.

I also know that when adoption was placed on our hearts for the third time, we were in the middle of one of the hardest times in our lives. I had NO IDEA how it could possibly be a good thing for us. I was terrified. But every time I looked at little Dang Xu Chu’s picture, I just knew. I knew that we had to take that HUGE step in the dark-- for him. A child of God. A sweet, four-year-old boy whose file said he wanted a mommy and daddy and a brother and a sister. And I know that from the day we took that leap of faith, a spirit of peace entered our home. Our problems did not go away. It was so much like the saying—“Sometimes the Lord calms the storm. And sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.”

He has been with us. Every step of the way.

And two weeks ago, as we entered the Oquirrh Mountain Temple to have our sweet, perfect little son sealed to us for all eternity, He was there. I believe everyone in the room felt His presence. I know our children did. I know Xander did. He could not understand what was going on and yet he could. His smile did not stop. And as our children gathered around us, dressed in all white, I had a glimpse of heaven. I am still riding high from it. I knew that so little matters when compared with the joys of having an eternal family. So little matters when there are others out there waiting for their own.





Do you know what I know?

Now you do!(:



PS I am usually a private person. I blog so my children can have a record of our family life and have insight into my heart. I don't write so strangers can read my posts, BUT if this post is something you feel to share with your readers, absolutely feel free to put a link to it. After all, I am determined to reach that "someone" out there who is waiting to read it!!! (:

If you want to contact me directly with questions about adoption, my email is christi405@yahoo.com

Who is the Gardener?

On my flight home from Orlando Friday night, I sat by a wonderful young couple.  (OK, so young is relative, but the older I get, the more I realize that nobody ever thinks of themselves as old.  So I'm going to describe this couple with 20 grandkids as "young."  Besides, they may read this...:)  Anyway, we got to talking, and they were patient enough to listen to our family's story.  For about two and a half hours!  It was actually a wonderful experience for me.  I hadn't ever started from the beginning of our adoption journey and talked all the way through it.

I got very emotional as I described the way somber, quiet Elli laughed and laughed and smiled and smiled when she was placed in our arms.  I was reminded of the struggles that Graci and I endured as we learned to love each other and I was able to recognize what a miracle God has wrought in our lives as the two of us have come to truly feel like father and daughter.  I remembered those first moments with Xander as he yelled out "Mama, Baba!" and jumped into his new family with both feet, never looking back.  I reminisced about gotcha day in ZhengZhou as my dad was blessed to be with us.  As he was completely overwhelmed with this experience that Christi and I were now pretty familiar with.  I looked back on Sophi's intense screams and Lexi's withdrawn nervousness during those first days together.  And I reflected on how very close to perfect the adoption experience with Cali has gone so far.

I described these and other adoption details for the sweet young couple.  I talked about the whirlwind our life has been, particularly over the last year.  I described news stories, documentary film crews, Puzzle Them Home, Facebook campaigns, neighbors who treat us like we were dear family members, and many other things that continue to make our lives full, fun and frenzied.  At one point, the wife looked at me and asked, "Do you sometimes feel like you're not steering the ship?"  What a great question!  I paused for a moment and thought about what a great description that was of our lives.  Only I realized that I didn't feel like I was on a ship.  It feels more like we're all in a little lifeboat and there's a giant wave pushing us forward.  A ship sounds far too serene to describe our lives!  But our lifeboat is watertight.  And we know we are going in a wonderful direction.  It tosses and tips much more than a ship might, but we feel safe nonetheless, for we know who is pushing us forward.

This analogy has stuck with me for the past couple of days, and I keep thinking about a talk I heard from a leader in our church.  It's entitled, "God is the Gardner."  Here are some excerpts from that talk:

You sometimes wonder whether the Lord really knows what He ought to do with you. You sometimes wonder if you know better than He does about what you ought to do and ought to become. I am wondering if I may tell you a story. It has to do with an incident in my life when God showed me that He knew best.

I was living up in Canada. I had purchased a farm. It was run-down. I went out one morning and saw a currant bush. It had grown up over six feet high. It was going all to wood. There were no blossoms and no currants. I was raised on a fruit farm in Salt Lake before we went to Canada, and I knew what ought to happen to that currant bush. So I got some pruning shears and clipped it back until there was nothing left but stumps. It was just coming daylight, and I thought I saw on top of each of these little stumps what appeared to be a tear, and I thought the currant bush was crying. I was kind of  simpleminded (and I haven’t entirely gotten over it), and I looked at it and smiled and said, “What are you crying about?” You know, I thought I heard that currant bush say this:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as big as the shade tree and the fruit tree that are inside the fence, and now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me because I didn’t make what I should have made. How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

That’s what I thought I heard the currant bush say, and I thought it so much that I answered. I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down. Thank you, Mr. Gardener.’ ”

Years passed, and I found myself in England. I was in command of a cavalry unit in the Canadian Army. I held the rank of field officer in the British Canadian Army. I was proud of my position. And there was an opportunity for me to become a general. I had taken all the examinations. I had the seniority. The one man between me and the office of general in the British Army became a casualty, and I received a telegram from London. It said: “Be in my office tomorrow morning at 10:00,” signed by General Turner.

I went up to London. I walked smartly into the office of the general, and I saluted him smartly, and he gave me the same kind of a salute a senior officer usually gives—a sort of “Get out of the way, worm!” He said, “Sit down, Brown.” Then he said, “I’m sorry I cannot make the appointment. You are entitled to it. You have passed all the examinations. You have the seniority. You’ve been a good officer, but I can’t make the appointment. You are to return to Canada and become a training officer and a transport officer.” That for which I had been hoping and praying for 10 years suddenly slipped out of my fingers.

Then he went into the other room to answer the telephone, and on his desk, I saw my personal history sheet. Right across the bottom of it was written, “THIS MAN IS A MORMON.” We were not very well liked in those days. When I saw that, I knew why I had not been appointed. He came back and said, “That’s all, Brown.” I saluted him again, but not quite as smartly, and went out.

I got on the train and started back to my town, 120 miles away, with a broken heart, with bitterness in my soul. And every click of the wheels on the rails seemed to say, “You are a failure.” When I got to my tent, I was so bitter that I threw my cap on the cot. I clenched my fists, and I shook them at heaven. I said, “How could you do this to me, God? I have done everything I could do to measure up. There is nothing that I could have done—that I should have done—that I haven’t done. How could you do this to me?” I was as bitter as gall.

And then I heard a voice, and I recognized the tone of this voice. It was my own voice, and the voice said, “I am the gardener here. I know what I want you to do.” The bitterness went out of my soul, and I fell on my knees by the cot to ask forgiveness for my ungratefulness and my bitterness. While kneeling there I heard a song being sung in an adjoining tent. A number of Mormon boys met regularly every Tuesday night. I usually met with them.  As I was kneeling there, praying for forgiveness, I heard their singing:

“But if, by a still, small voice he calls
To paths that I do not know,
I’ll answer, dear Lord, with my hand in thine:
I’ll go where you want me to go.”
(Hymns, no. 270)

I arose from my knees a humble man. And now, almost 50 years later, I look up to Him and say, “Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.” I see now that it was wise that I should not become a general at that time....  I haven’t amounted to very much as it is, but I have done better than I would have done if the Lord had let me go the way I wanted to go.

Many of you are going to have very difficult experiences: disappointment, heartbreak, bereavement, defeat. You are going to be tested and tried. I just want you to know that if you don’t get what you think you ought to get, remember, God is the gardener here. He knows what He wants you to be. Submit yourselves to His will. Be worthy of His blessings, and you will get His blessings.

 -Hugh B. Brown


In my life there are certainly things that have made me think, "Why, God?"   All of of us have experienced these moments.  How grateful I am to have a testimony that God really is alive.  That He lives and loves ME!  That he knows my every thought, my every hope.  And that he knows what is best for me and wants me to find joy and happiness in this life and the life to come.  So as I sign off for now, open my office door and head back out into that lifeboat going 100 miles per hour on a rough sea, I will do it gladly.  Thank you, God, for caring enough to clip my branches when the time is right and for watching over us as the flowers are blooming in abundance.

-Jer

Out of the Mouths of Our Kids

This evening my aunt Dian and uncle Dave came for dinner.  They brought along a couple of college students that work for them.  Both of these girls are from China.  One is here on a student visa and speaks fluent Chinese.  The other was adopted from China at 18 months old and speaks no Chinese.  One of the girls brought her boyfriend named Jonathan.  Jonathan is of Taiwanese descent, grew up in Maryland speaking no Chinese, then served a Mormon mission in Australia speaking Mandarin.  Our kids loved having other Chinese speakers in the home and our visitors enjoyed getting to know our special family:)

At one point Sophi had this conversation with Christi:

Sophi:  "You know that Chinese boy that's here?  I don't think he's a grownup.  I think he's a kid."

Christi:  "Why do you think that?"

Soph:  "Because I checked to see if he was wearing a ring."

Christi:  "Sophi, why were you checking for that?  (Sophi gets a big grin on her face)  Do you have a crush?"  

Sophi wouldn't respond with anything but a smile.  We may need to keep tabs on this one!

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Yesterday Taylor was driving Conner, Lexi and me home from an activity with the Utah School for the Blind.  (Taylor's first foray on the freeway!  He did very well:)  Conner asked if driving was hard. I told him can be hard to learn, but once you are comfortable with it, driving is really pretty easy.  I asked him if he wanted to learn to drive.  He started laughing loudly then said, "If I drive, it like roller coaster!"  An apt description:)

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Parker had a basketball game last night.  (Side note-that kid can flat out play!  20 points.  4 for 5 from  three point range, 4 for 5 from the free throw line and 6 or 7 steals.)  Taylor, Sophi and I went to watch.  As we sat down and watched Parker's team warm up, I was suddenly hit by how soon my big boys are going to graduate and be gone.  I looked at Sophi and asked, "What are you going to do when Taylor goes on his mission?"  She looked up at me with big sad eyes and said, "I don't know."  Then a light went on in those eyes and she said, "I know what I'm going to do when Parker goes on his mission.  I'm going to play his Xbox!"  Well, we know who will be missed;)

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After Parker's game, we stopped at Scheel's 'cuz Sophi loves to ride the Ferris Wheel.  We went to the counter and asked to buy four tickets.  The clerk explained that they stopped selling tickets an hour before closing due to the potential for long lines.  I thought for a minute, then very nicely asked if I might talk to a manager.  When the manager arrived, I lifted Sophi up on the counter and said, "This is Sophi.  She was SO excited to ride your Ferris Wheel.  I know you don't sell tickets this late, but could you possible make an exception for this very special little girl?"  (OK, I know it was kind of lame.  But really, a kid that goes through life dealing with Sophi's challenges deserves a break now and again.)  The kind manager not only said yes, he gave us the tickets for free.  What a great guy.  My favorite part of the story is this:  Since we only had two tickets, two of us wouldn't be able to ride.  I told Parker he could ride with Sophi, and he proceeded to ask her, "Sophi, would you like to go on a date with me on the Ferris Wheel?"  What a fantastic big brother and young man!

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Lexi LOVES the movie "Into the Woods."  We've tried to figure out how we can watch it at home with descriptive services, but no luck yet.  We bought an electronic copy anyway, and Lexi watched it  twice today.  As I was tucking her in tonight she said, "I'm going to watch Into the Woods tomorrow."  "Again?!?" I asked.  She giggled and said, "I'm incessed with it!"  Sophi piped up from the bottom bunk, "Yeah!  She's incessed!"  We worked on their pronunciation.  I still haven't seen it.  One of these days I'll have to sit with these two beautiful girls and see what all of the fuss is about.

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Conner to Lexi, "Lexi, did you know that when I married, my name still Conner Green but when you get married, you not Lexi Green anymore. You name change. Like maybe it will be Lexi Blue or Lexi Purple." smile emoticon

She wriggled her way into our hearts...

First of all, if you haven't read the previous post concerning Graci, be sure to do so.

Now...

When I wrote the “Do you know what I know” post, it seems that even I didn’t know what I know. (: I had felt so earnest in my heart—completely convicted in the knowledge that someone out there needed to hear my feelings about adoption. A little ironic that we were the ones that needed to hear what I had to say…

So are you ready to hear the story? Or do you just want to see a picture??!!!

Go ahead, scroll on down and see her beautiful face. Then come back up and hear how one special little girl has found her home.

It started back in September. Yes, just a few weeks after coming home from China with our Xander. I had no right to be checking the waiting child list! Still, when I was looking up post adoption info on our agency's site, I couldn’t help but peek at the kids who were waiting. There she was, a little four-year-old girl (now five) whom I had seen before. But this time, it was different. I had “that feeling.” I opened up her profile and read about this sweetheart, blind and abandoned at birth, and my heart was just doing flip-flops. I tried to convince myself that it was because she reminded me so much of Elli, not because she was OURS, but I couldn’t deny that the Spirit was whispering something to my heart. Later that day, I was out on the trampoline with Elli when—you guessed it—a ladybug flew inside the net and landed right next to me. (If you haven’t followed our blogs, ladybugs are a symbol of luck in the adoption community and seem to show up on every important day of our adoption journeys.)

I had a talk with Jeremy.

He was so sweet. He even cried when he saw her picture and said he was so glad that I was the kind of person who would open my heart to her. He told me how much he loved me. And then he told me I was off my rocker.

Or something like that.

Basically, he said no. And I admit that I was very relieved. It seemed that there was no way that it could be right for us. After all, we had just come home from China! We had SIX kids!! We were already barely keeping our heads above water!!!

And I can promise you, that when I wrote my adoption post in November, the thought hadn’t even remotely crossed my mind that I was writing it for us. Jeremy didn’t either. Though he did cry when he read it, and we talked about how grateful we were for the things we knew and the ways adoption had changed our lives. And that was that.

Until a few weeks ago... That’s when we were sitting at Elli’s IEP meeting. There we were, Jeremy, myself, and four of the WONDERFUL women who give of their hearts and expertise each preschool day. Elli was in a corner of the room, jumping and playing with the toys. Jeremy thought to himself how grateful he was for the wonderful resources we had to help Elli. For all the help that these women were giving her. And he looked over at Elli and thought how her blindness wasn’t really an issue—it was her cognitive delays that were so hard to deal with. And then the thought entered his mind, “There is a little girl in China who is just blind.”

And he knew.

He describes it as a triangle being formed that day between him, and her, and God. That perhaps more than with any of our other children, he KNEW she was meant to be ours. He couldn’t remember what she looked like, how old she was—nothing except that he loved her.

And so later that day I got a phone call. (: (Usually it’s the other way around.) I was overwhelmed (I had long since given up the idea of adopting her—though I will admit I kept thinking about that ladybug) but looked up her file. As it turns out, that VERY day, her file had been marked to be returned to China. This happens when nobody shows interest in a child over a period of several months, and the agency is forced to return their file. Sometimes these files are sent to another agency, and sometimes they are kept in China and the children are deemed “unadoptable.” So it’s no coincidence that Jeremy had his experience on the day that he did.

I must say that I was worried that our agency would think we were crazy when I called and asked them to hold on to that file for just a few more days! It meant the world to me that they were so thrilled and supportive of us considering her. It gave me assurance that maybe I could do this crazy thing. It didn’t take long—just a few days of fasting and prayer before I knew what Jeremy knew.

That she is ours.

That all of my concerns had been answered by myself in my blog entry! That I needed to let go of my fears and embrace the blessing that our Heavenly Father was placing in our lives. The blessing of another beautiful little China doll. Who happens to have a birthday right in between Xander’s and Elli’s, making, ahem… THREE in kindergarten next year. You know, cause we always wanted triplets. Or not. (:

Telling our children was such a sweet experience. We have always asked for their input in our adoptions. We took each of them to dinner with us, individually, over the next couple of weeks to tell them about this little girl and see what they thought. Each responded so beautifully and selflessly. I just fell more in love with my kiddos!! My favorite response was from Xander, who jumped up and down, laughing and saying in his cute Chinese accent, “YAY! More family for my family!”

☺☺☺☺☺☺

And that, folks, is exactly how I feel—more family for my family!!! YAY!!!!

Here she is…



Dang Ling You.

Surname, the same as Elli and Xander's. Given name the same as Graci's middle name in Chinese. Fun!

And as soon as I figure out how to do it, I will post some VIDEO we have of her. This little girl’s smile lights up the screen!

We’re thinking “Alexis” as a first name, and calling her “Lexi.” That way it’s close to Alexander (Xander) since they’re so close in age and we’re keeping the traditional ending for our girls’ names. What do you think???

Oh, and as far as timing—it’s looking like November-ish. Just as we were receiving the bad news about Graci, we were receiving good news—pre-approval—from China. Oh, the roller-coaster of our life!

Christianne

Puzzle Them Home update

Elli.

I don't have to do anything more than say her name to have it evoke SO MANY EMOTIONS.  

I love this girl more than life itself.  She is the source of so much joy in our home.  She is celestial.  She is treasured.  Her singing honestly makes my heart just swell inside.  I love her more than words.

And yet...

I don't think there is any possible way to express just how difficult Elli can be.  I really feel like the only people that can possibly comprehend it are people who have lived with autism themselves.  Combined with her blindness and just diagnosed bi-polar disorder, autism has wreaked havoc on our home.  Let me give you an example:

The other day, I was upstairs while Elli was downstairs playing the piano.  Usually if I can hear her playing the piano I know that she is safe, or maybe more accurately, the downstairs is safe.  (;   I thought about getting in the shower but for whatever reason put it off.  What a tender mercy!  If I had been in the shower, I wouldn't have heard the breaking glass.  I wouldn't have dashed down the stairs to find Elli, standing atop the piano having unscrewed a large lightbulb from the ceiling and crushed it.  I wouldn't have been able to clean up tiny shards of glass all about her before some major wounds could have happened.  But I did hear the glass and I did clean it up and I did end up in the shower.  Phew!  Afterwards, when I went down to check on her, I found our piano music shelf knocked over and sheet music strewn about the room, the huge plastic tub of legos tipped over, and Elli squatting atop the folded up (and now broken from her bouncing) ping pong table, her diaper shredded and scattered amongst all of the music/legos/toys.  This happened in the course of approximately 10 minutes.  I moved her to Xander's/Lexi's/Sophi's room while I cleaned up.  I put her on the bed where she will usually just happily lay and play in the blankets.  When I went to check on her, she had broken Sophi's treasured music box, ripped the pictures off of Xander's poster, and torn a basket into pieces.

I know-- something has to change.  Next week I am seriously gutting the house and getting rid of a lot of stuff just to help with the messes.  We do have a lock on her bedroom and there are times that I put her in there while I need some time alone.   There is not much she can do to her room that hasn't already been done-- blinds, light fixtures and closet doors have already been broken.  Walls have already been dented.   It's a place where I am not too worried about sending her and it has several toys that she likes so she usually enjoys being in there. But it is in the back corner of the house, away from family and noises and fun-- and I just can't lock her in there all of the time.

This is just one reason why I can't even contain the emotions I feel when I think of what Puzzle Them Home means to our family.  Among other things, the house plans include an area for Elli right off of the living room that is designed especially for HER, where she can hear us and be part of our family and have lots of sensory based play WITHOUT us fearing for her safety or the safety of our home.  This room will open to a gated area outside with a play place that is safe for her.  I can't even express what that means-- to be able to let her go outside (she LOVES being outside) without having to constantly supervise.  Plans also include a really big bedroom of her own where we can install a swing, mats for her to tumble on, and other sensory based activities so that when I do need to put her in there, I won't feel guilty because it will be a WONDERFUL place for her to be.  I'm teary just typing it!!!

And then there's Cali-- sweet Cali who has developed huge callouses on her knuckles from scooting around the house and having her hands bear the weight of her whole body (she has to drag her feet.)  Sweet Cali who so wants to be independent-- to go outside without having to wait until one of us can help get her wheelchair down the stairs, to be able to reach a microwave so she can warm up her own food, to be able to go up or down stairs without getting carpet burns, to play games like hide-and-go-seek with the rest of the family without having to stop because she is so exhausted from dragging her body around the house.

I could go on to list what this new home would mean to each child, but even then, I feel like it would do no justice to how we feel about this home and the love and gratitude we feel toward everyone that has been involved in this project.  We are so blessed and happy and ok in the home we are in now-- but it would be life-changing to move to an accessible, custom home.  As it becomes more and more real that this home could happen, I feel more and more humbled by it all and just so, so grateful. I can't tell you what it feels like...

I promised an update on Puzzle Them Home quite awhile ago.  I've had a hard time updating because there are so many things in the works and so many unknowns.  I will try to briefly explain what I DO know:

Monetary donations are at approximately $17,000.00.

In-kind donations (pledges of free labor) are at approximately $120,000.00.

Grants have been applied for, but we haven't received answers.

Bret Wright of Huish Construction is our builder.  He is the GREATEST guy ever.  He didn't know our family, but saw a post on facebook and contacted us to ask what he could do.  He has spent hours and hours of time already and will oversee the project.  He is doing this all without pay.  Jamie Walker from Walker Design has donated the plans for the home.  He and his collegues have also spent hours and hours in our behalf, all for free.  The home plans are AMAZING.  We are dying!  (:

We (Jeremy and I) are currently applying for a construction loan.  The donations (both monetary and in-kind) are making it possible that we can qualify when we wouldn't have been able to otherwise. This loan will cover the majority of the cost of the home.

In order for the home to be finished by the Parade of Homes (a must as we have promised this to those who have donated labor) we need to start digging now.  Our builder would have liked to have started weeks ago.  In otherwise, it is most definitely CRUNCH TIME.  It's PAST crunch time!

The committee is working so hard to secure donations.  There are basically three ways businesses or individuals can help:

financial contributions

free or discounted labor

free or discounted materials 

Financial contributions do not have to be big.  In fact, when we see donations of $5 or $10 come through we are just as humbled as by the bigger donations, as we know that it was likely a real sacrifice. 

Free or discounted labor can mean something as big as saying "We can do all of the cabinets," or "We can provide all of the labor for the roof" or it can mean something like "We can help with a bathroom" or even "I can spend a day sheetrocking" or "My boy scouts can help lay sod."

Likewise, free or discounted materials can have a wide meaning.  Let's take floor coverings, for instance.  It can be anything from donating all of the flooring to discounting the flooring to donating or discounting flooring for one room.  People can "sponsor" a room-- helping to pay for materials or labor for that one room.  

People can give a free light switch.

We also need talented people to help stage the home!  We are looking for an interior designer to oversee the project with many interior designers involved.  The committee has a great idea of letting different designers each choose one room and design it, leaving his/her business cards in that room during the parade.   It would be a great way to showcase a design company.

There's also landscaping.  We have a volunteer who has said he will oversee the work, but we could use many people to help with design, labor and materials.

In other words, there are so many ways to be involved.  Or in other other words, we would love your help!  (:  Or in other other other words, for just this minute I am letting go of pride and fear and worry about what you will think and I am flat-out humbly asking if you'd like to be part of this project.   And you can know that when I say that asking for help is not my favorite thing in the world, it is an incredible understatement.

I should mention that we were just made aware that there was a glitch on the Puzzle Them Home site.  When people tried to use the "contact us" form, it didn't work.  We haven't received any messages since the end of September.  So if you have tried to contact us already, PLEASE forgive us and do it again.  It is now working.  (:

So many people have said, "Let me know what I can do."  Well, I guess it is time for us to answer you!  If you have any connections to businesses or laborers who would be interested in this project, this would be a great time to ask!  Everyone who donates will be recognized in the Parade of Homes.  There will be opportunities to showcase your company by handing out business cards, setting up displays, etc.  If you want to come and spend a morning or an afternoon helping with the build of the home, let us know!  If you would like to approach businesses and let them know about this project, we would love it!  If you know of any other ways to help-- don't be shy!  You will carve a place in our hearts that will always be yours.

--Christianne

When ye have done it unto the least of these, ye have done it unto Me.

Thank you all so much for the sweet comments and expressions of concern.  I am so sorry I didn't update yesterday-- I know many of you have asked for one.  I went into shut-down mode yesterday and just didn't feel like talking about it.   I guess I still feel that way today, but I know people are worried and I want to at least let you know that Graci is doing great.  She acted pretty much normal yesterday besides being tired and is at school today-- yay!  Unfortunately (and I can't put into words how frustrated I feel about this) her neurology appointment is next Tuesday.  Apparently, they like to worry mothers as long as possible  wait for the effects of the seizures to wear off to get accurate readings on the tests.   Obviously, the tests could show NOTHING and it could be a one time event that we can just chalk up as a good reminder of what's important in life.  Or it could be something bigger.  I am not fond of option two.

So, to change subjects and talk about something that makes me smile, I want to share three of many acts of kindness that recently happened to our family:

1.  As I've talked about in the past, we are the incredibly blessed recipients of "laundry fairies."  One of the sweetest couples I've ever met in my life show up every Tuesday and Friday morning to pick up FOUR loads of laundry.  They even let me just sit it out on my porch so I don't have to be here.   It's returned later that night or the next morning, neatly folded and smelling wonderful.  I feel incredibly sheepish even blogging about this, because I know that I am spoiled rotten and that I don't deserve it any more than any of you reading this.  I wish every busy mother could have laundry fairies in their lives, and you can be assured that I plan on being one someday!  Anyway... this couple exudes kindness and the true love of Christ.  I LOVE them.  So when Lexi and Xander burst into tears and began sobbing uncontrollably when they found out that their grandparents wouldn't be there for "Grandparent Day" at school, this sweet couple came to our minds.  The next time they came over, I timidly asked if they had plans on Friday at 10:30.  As it turns out, they were both working.  When I told them why I was asking, her reply was, "Well, then we'll just have to be there!  I mean... priorities, right?!!"  Even with all of my insistence that it wasn't necessary, they took their precious time to be surrogate grandparents for Lexi, Xander, and Jesi.  The kids were SO happy about this.  It's all they could talk about after school that day.  I had to laugh when Russ told me the next day, "I had so much fun with Xander.  As we were walking down the hall, a lady asked him, 'Is this your grandpa, Xander?' to which he replied, 'No, it's the guy who does our laundry!'"  Her quick reply-- "Even better!"  (:

2.  You all know of Elli's antics in her bed.    As I'm sure we've mentioned, Elli sleeps on what was once the guest bed (before we had so many cute kids) and it is a very nice, expensive, kind-sized mattress.  Because we don't have anywhere else to put the mattress, it has become hers-- lucky girl.  With her lovely habit of taking off her pull-ups and ripping through mattress protectors, it was in need of a good cleaning.  I found someone online who had great reviews and gave him a call.   He told me it would be $100, and after calling around, that seemed reasonable.  When he and his son came here, I explained how the stains got there, which led to questions about Elli and our other kids.  As he cleaned the mattress, I went out to play with Sophi and her friend, Jordan.  When he finished, he came outside to let me know that he was done and he wasn't going to accept payment.  I tried to convince him otherwise, but he had been touched by the kids and their stories and asked me to please allow him to do it for free.  My heart was so full, and I want to share his information in case anyone here in Utah is looking for a very kind man to do their carpet cleaning!   He did a great job-- the mattress looks amazing.  (:

3.  While at the hospital, one of our neighbors came over to check on the kids and ended up spending a good deal of time here.  Anyone that knows me knows that deep cleaning is not my forte.  I am very happy if my house is picked up-- it takes a special occasion to do something like baseboards or dusting ceiling fans.  I have one window that has been particularly neglected.  It is right above the sink and because I rationalize that nobody (meaning company) really ever looks through it, I haven't cleaned it in a VERY (you don't want to know) long time.  Apparently, LuAnn must have noticed this (hmmm... I wonder how....) and decided to clean it.  I mean, she took the whole window out and gave it a good cleaning.  I can actually see out that window now-- I know, amazing concept!  It was just one thing, but it meant a lot to me.  It also taught me that even though we can't do everything for someone, we can do SOMETHING.  She couldn't deep clean my whole house, but doing that one window made me feel super loved.  (:

Again, I could write many more examples-- please know that if you are one of the sweet angels in my life that I do know it and I do treasure you and appreciate you, even though I'm often not great at sending thank-yous or letting you know-- I really am grateful for EVERY act of kindness.   I'm determined to be better at following your examples and blessing the lives of those around me.  (:

--Christianne

Real Parents

Several days ago I was at a meeting and we were discussing the background of a girl who had been adopted. At one point, the comment was made, "...and then her real mom..." She was of course referring to the biological mother of this girl. The woman who made this comment is the sweetest in the world-- and I knew that she didn't understand how that comment could be hurtful-- so I didn't say anything. But that comment kept going over and over in my mind... "And then her REAL mom..."

Which leads me to writing this post. I know that there are many of you out there that may not be sure what terminology is or isn't appropriate when talking about adoption. And if you have said the wrong thing in the past, be sure to know that most people are very understanding and know your intent. I have had many comments from AMAZING, WONDERFUL people who just didn't know the right thing to say, as I'm sure I have done many times in my life.

So, here are some suggestions:

#1. Never use the term "real" when discussing a birthparent. As Jeremy said it to me well, "If you are not Elli's real mom, then who in the world is?" When referring to a child's birthparents, they should be called just that-- "birthparents." They can also be referred to as biological parents or even first parents. An adoptive parent can be called "adoptive parent," "forever parent," or just "parent!" The term "real" takes away from the very realness of an adoptive family. Now, I can assure you that we hold the birthparents of our adopted children in the absolute highest regard. They are sacred to me, and I will one day fall at their feet for allowing me the joy of raising the children that they weren't able to. I cannot even begin to express my love for them. Yes, they are very "real," but so are the parents who feed and change and love and adore and take care of and cuddle and do everything for these children. Calling one parent "real" makes the other parent "unreal," if that makes sense.

#2. Suggestion #1 also applies when referring to adopted children. It is very uncomfortable when people ask, "Are they your real children?" Well, of course they are! I'm never quite sure how to answer this question without making the asker look or feel stupid. An adoptive child is absolutely just as real as a biological child. To differentiate makes the child seem "less."

#3. Suggestion #1 also applies to siblings. I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked, "Are they real sisters?" This is, of course, in reference to Graci and Elli. I am very aware that what the asker is really wanting to know is if they are biological siblings. So I usually answer, "They are not biological sisters, no." I am always tempted to follow up with, "But they are very real sisters, yes!" I have never done this, however, as I hate uncomfortable situations and I wouldn't want to make someone feel bad. Still, a person should realize that asking if siblings are "REAL" especially in the presence of the children, is not the appropriate thing to do. Graci is Elli's real sibling in every sense of the word-- she loves her and takes care of her and teaches her and adores her and will be her sister forever.

#4. Avoid the question, "Do you have any children of your own?" Well, yes! THESE (adopted) children are my own! A better way to ask this is, "Do you have any biological children?" Again, I know that people have no ill intention when saying something like this, but you have to think of how an adopted child would feel when hearing this question.

#5. If you want to know how much adoption costs, by all means ask-- especially if it's because you are interested in adoption. However, try to avoid posing it this way: "How much did she cost?" HELLO! This makes a child feel as if a price tag could be put on them. The first time I was asked this I was completely speechless. I finally came up with the answer, "Well, adopting from China generally costs around $20,000, but she is priceless!"

#6. When asking more in-depth questions about adoption, try not to do it when the children are listening. For example, Graci seems to feel uncomfortable when the question is asked, "Why didn't you adopt from America?" A better way to ask this would be, "What led you to adopt from China?" But even better, ask it when it is an adult conversation. Most of the time, adopted children just want to feel the same as everyone else and not have the conversation focused around their adoption.

#7. Unless you have a good reason to ask, don't question the background of a child before they were adopted. If you do have reason to ask, do it without the child around. I can't count the times that people have said things like, "How could her parents just abandon her?" and "Does she remember her "real" parents?" right in front of Graci! These are very personal issues, and can make a child question things that they shouldn't have to question. We have been very open with Graci about her life prior to adoption, and she has slowly let us in on her memories and her past. However, she has opened up with a great deal of trust in us. We don't share her early history lightly-- in fact, I have only talked about it with VERY close family. Asking questions like, "Where was she living before you adopted her?" is fine. We would tell you that she was abandoned when she was five, put in an orphanage for a brief time, then placed with very wonderful foster parents, who we lovingly refer to as "China Mommy and Daddy." Unless you are a very good friend or close family member or have really sincere questions about adoption, I would not probe further. If you do probe, don't do it with the child around.

Of course, this is a very humble opinion from just ONE adoptive mother. I assure you that I do know that virtually every comment that could be construed negatively was meant with the best of intention. A person does not usually mean to put their foot in their mouth! (: I would much rather have someone ask a question with the wrong words than not dare ask a question at all, and I am very grateful for those who enjoy talking to me about adoption. (:(:


--Christianne
A very real mother to some very real kids of my own!

Oh, and since I'm on a roll, it is more politically correct to refer to Chinese children as "Chinese" or "Asian," not "Oriental." (Though this actually isn't something that bothers me, just thought I'd put it out there).

PS. This is now Jeremy. My favorite way to differentiate the kids is to say I have three homemade and two from China:)

Two amazing boys

Many of you who read this blog are likely aware of the passing of "Miracle Ryker."  The story of his courageous battle with heterotaxy has touched so many people.  Ryker is the most adorable little guy on the planet with the biggest, most handsome eyes you've ever seen.  I don't know him personally, but having connections to his family somehow makes it all more personal.  Ryker's brothers, Trett and Jad, have played baseball with Parker for many years.  They are such good boys and my heart is breaking for them.  Also, Ryker's aunt Missy is a good friend of mine and has been Elli's teacher in primary.  I love her.  In addition, the charity that is working with us on our home, Children and the Earth, has also been helping Ryker.  I can tell you from many meetings we have had with them that Ryker holds an especially tender place in their hearts.  These small connections make Ryker's story more real to me even though I have never met him, and he has been in my thoughts a lot lately.

Yesterday especially, Ryker was really on my mind.  Being in the hospital with our own little heart patient who is currently doing so well was a reminder of all of the blessings and miracles I have been part of.  As I thought on him and his story and read through the many comments made on facebook, there was one common thread:  that he had an AMAZING family.  It's true-- the absolute ADORATION and perfect, selfless love that this family has for their children is easily sensed as you watch his videos and read his story.  If there was one bright thought that I had as I pondered his death, it was that he was and will forever be completely cherished by a family.  He was never alone.

As we were getting ready to have Graci discharged yesterday, a sweet lady showed up at our door.  Her name is Deanne and she is the mother of 17.  Jeremy and I had met Deanne and her husband Doug for dinner before, but we had yet to meet their beautiful children.  They just returned a couple of weeks ago from China, where they adopted the most adorable boy, Gideon.  He underwent open heart surgery Thursday morning and he had just been moved to a room a few doors down from Graci's.  As I went to meet Gideon and his new siblings, I was overcome at the amount of love in that room.  Gideon looked fantastic-- he had energy and was moving about and just doing so great.  He has been astounding the doctors with his quick recovery.  They had anticipated spending 3 weeks in the hospital with this surgery, and instead it looks like it might be less than one.   As we were talking, I asked what his specific heart condition was.  Deanne said, "You've probably never heard of it-- it's really rare.  It's called heterotaxy."

Of course, my heart instantly went to Ryker.  As it so happens, heterotaxy is so rare that from what I understand, it affects only 1 in 1,000,000 children.  And yet here I was being touched by two little boys with the same condition on the same day.  I pondered on it the whole drive home.  The prevailing thought I had was how both of these sweet, beautiful boys were part of such amazing, loving families.  As I said, nearly every comment on Ryker's facebook page talked about what a loving family he had.   Sweet little Gideon has now been blessed with that same kind of family.

I think with all of the times I have jumped on my adoption soapbox, you know where this is going...  (:

What would have happened to Gideon had Deanne and Doug not taken that leap of faith to bring him home?  I know they had many fears and many reasons (16 of them come to mind!) that they could have used to justify leaving him there in China to die.  A doctor, in fact, gave them that advice.  But they went forward with faith knowing that they might only have him a very short time and now-- regardless of what heterotaxy does to him, Gideon has an eternal family like Ryker's.   A family who loves and cherishes and sacrifices for him.

 Reading their thoughts as they have been on this journey gives me no doubt that despite their grief and shattered hearts, Ryker's family would not give up ONE SINGLE DAY that they had with him.  That if they had to do it all over again, they would still choose life.   I also know that despite whatever challenges come their way, Gideon's family is firm in their decision to love him and give him a family.  I know that both families will be forever blessed to have these little boys in their lives.

With that in mind...

What if just ONE of the wonderful people who have been touched by Ryker's courage and beautiful spirit considered bringing home one of the millions of children who are facing their own battles ALONE.   What if they loved and adored and cherished that child just as Ryker's famiy cherishes him.   Can you think of a more beautiful tribute to this brave little guy? 

I used to be less bold when I talked about adoption.  I had a friend tell me one time several years ago that because of how much I talked about adoption and my desire for more people to adopt, she felt judged.  It broke my heart.  That is so opposite of what I want to do.  I don't want people to think I look at them and think that they are in any way "less" because they haven't adopted.  I also really don't want people to think that I hold myself higher in any way because we have.  I truly do not.  Most of the people I admire and look up to the most and totally want to emulate haven't adopted, so believe me, it is not important to me in how I look at someone.  Adoption is such a personal decision and I know full well that it is not for every family.  I also know that many families have the desire to but cannot.  That is heartbreaking.

But I wouldn't be being true to myself and the thoughts that the Spirit places on my heart if I didn't share that I think adoption is BEAUTIFUL and NEEDED.  It would be crazy to have discovered chocolate and not share it with the world, right?!!  (:  Likewise, we have discovered something amazing and life changing and beautiful.   When I see the Christlike, perfect love Ryker's family holds for him I just ache for others who are left alone.  So I HAVE to share!  (:  I would shout it from the rooftops if I could.  Gideon has a family now!!!  It's a beautiful thing!!!  And if my being bold can fan a spark in someone else to do the same thing, well, then I guess I will be bold.  (:   Please know that it comes from love for these children and a desire for others to experience something sweeter than chocolate!    It does not and never will come from a place of judgement.

Just consider it.  That's all.

--Christianne 

By the way-- Graci is doing so well.  I am so thankful for the miracles of our Heavenly Father and of modern medicine, which in my opinion, go hand in hand.  Thank you so very much for your prayers.

Treading Water With Jesus

One year ago this week, we were in China, on a journey to give two precious little girls a family.

It seems SO long ago!  A world away, really.  What did we ever do without them?!

This year has been life changing, that is for sure.  Adding two little girls, (who couldn't speak a word of English and had pretty significant special needs) to our already big, crazy family has been a journey of faith.  And it is a journey I am so privileged to have taken.  I remember well the prayers we prayed as we contemplated bringing two more children home.  It seemed crazy.  It seemed overwhelming.  It seemed so, so scary.  And it seemed right.  I kept holding onto the quote:

" Faith, to be faith, must go into the unknown. Faith, to be faith, must walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness. If everything has to be known, if everything has to be explained, if everything has to be certified, then there is no need for faith. Indeed, there is no room for it." (Elder Boyd K. Packer) 

We had to be willing to take a few steps into the darkness.  If we knew how it would all work out for our good, it wouldn't require faith and a dependence on our Savior, Jesus Christ.   And so I prayed.  I prayed for help in managing our home.  Help in meeting the emotional, spiritual, and temporal needs of each of our children.  Help in becoming more selfless.  Help in not going off the deep end.  (:


And I received it!  We have been so blessed this year.  So many people have stepped in to strengthen our family in many different ways.  Dinner fairies, laundry help, playdates for my kids-- even just words of encouragement have kept our heads above water, when  otherwise we would have felt as if we were drowning.  So, thank you, for your part in bringing home these two precious daughters of God.


You know, I try to be careful when speaking about adoption.  I know very well that every family is unique in their circumstances, and that adoption is not for everyone.  I know that there is no way for me to ascertain which family it may be right for.  And I certainly never look at any specific family and think, "Oh my goodness!  Why haven't they considered adoption?!!"  So please don't worry that I would ever judge anyone for not adopting.  Everyone is called to do different things.  I know that.


BUT...  (:


But sometimes I want to just climb up on my rooftop and shout to the world, "YOU DON"T GET IT!"  There are orphans on this earth!  They are real.  And they want families!!  I want to scream and cry and bang my head into my pillow over and over!  Because there are beautiful, beautiful families out there who could be so richly blessed by opening their hearts to adoption.  And there are beautiful, beautiful children all over the world who will not know Santa this year.  Worse, they will not know the love of a mother and father and brothers and sisters.  I do find solace in my faith that they WILL know the love of the Savior, who has not forgotten them, and who will not forsake them.  I have to have faith He is holding them, and loving on them, and strengthening them, even as He waits for us to open our hearts to them.

It was two years ago yesterday that I wrote THIS post.  Maybe there is something about this time of year that especially pulls on my heartstrings.  (:


You know, I hope I have never come across like adoption is easy.  If so, I am sorely misleading you!  Our life is hard.  It just is.  But it is good.  It is what our life is supposed to be.  My sweet friend shared a dream she had.  In the dream, she was in the ocean treading water.  She was aware of people around her, who she knew, also treading water.  And she was tired.  But she knew that Jesus was also treading water with them.  She saw Him, but His back was to her.  At one point, He motioned for her to help someone in the water.  As she turned to help this friend of hers, she saw the beach.  It was a beautiful, white sandy beach full of people playing and having a good time.  And yet she thought to herself, "Oh, it is so sad!  They don't know that Jesus is in the water."  That even though it was hard, and she was so tired, she wanted to be with Him.


That dream really spoke to me.  It reminded me that this life we have chosen, is where Jesus is.  We could have taken an easier route.  We could have played more and literally gone to the beach more!  (:  But this is right where I want to be.  Tired, and treading water.  But treading it with HIM.  


And, because of Him, and because of you, I know I won't drown.  Even when sometimes it feels as if I will.


I love you, my sweet Alexis Li and Sophia Breanne.  I have loved watching you blossom and grow into such beautiful, strong little girls.  I admire your strength and determination and happiness, in spite of your daily challenges.  I am so humbled to be your mother.   I am so grateful to breathe your spirits each day.  I have had such a sweet time this week going back into the blog archives and reading about our first days with you.  I loved you then, but I love you ever so much more now.


And I love you too, my sweet Taylor, Parker, Jesi, Elli, Graci, and Xander.  I love you for everything you are.  I love you for being willing to open your hearts to two new sisters.  I love you for your sacrifices and your examples and your sweetness and your testimonies.  I love you for your ability to do hard things.  And I love watching the Lord bless you for doing those things.  Bringing Lexi and Sophi into our family has strengthened my love for you, and made it grow by endless bounds.   


My friend Cristie is on her second adoption journey.  They just traveled to meet their newest sweet son.  You can read about it here, and scroll down just a bit to watch a video of it.  I would hope that maybe some reader out there will be open to promptings of their own to "visit the fatherless in their afflictions."  I am telling you, there are some of the most precious children right now on the waiting children lists!  (: There is one little boy, in particular, that has our hearts.  He is one year old, and was born with hypertrichosis (covered with hair.)  Oh my goodness, is he adorable!  I wish our family was in a place to give him a home, but maybe instead I can open someone else's heart to finding him a family.  Remember, you don't have to be anyone special!  Really, you don't!  You don't have to be any one type of family.  You can even be single to adopt.  (;


I think I've said enough.  (:


Happy Gotcha Day, Lexi and Soph!

The home and some FAQ's...

I finally figured out why I haven't been blogging for awhile.  I had originally chalked it up to pure exhaustion (I can't even begin to say how crazy these last few weeks have been) but as I have sat here looking at the empty screen for the past several minutes, I realized that it wasn't exhaustion.

 It was a lack of words.

Because there is really no way to describe the incredibly wonderful, insanely amazing, utterly exhausting past few weeks.  And when I try to wrap my head around it all, I just get overwhelmed.  Overwhelmed with LOVE and gratitude to everyone who has been part of this, overwhelmed with feelings of indebtedness to so many, overwhelmed with what this means to our family...

Just plain overwhelmed. 

I really, truly hope that every person who has been part of the puzzle them home project in any way can sense our love for you and our gratitude.  I hope you can know how much this means to us and how full our hearts are...

The house is beautiful.  More beautiful is the way Sophi's eyes light up when she turns on the light switch in her bedroom all by herself (it is low to the ground) or opens up a door with her chin (no more knobs!) or climbs onto her little sink to wash her feet all by herself.  More beautiful is the way the stairs to the Rapunzel tower were built in such a way that Sophi and Cali can actually make their way up them, and the way Cali's eyes shine as she speeds through the house on her wheelchair-- uninhibited by stairs, lack of space or thick carpet.   More beautiful is just thinking about how absolutely life changing it will be to have TWO safe, custom, wonderful spaces for Elli to play and explore and be happy without us worrying about her breaking things, getting hurt, etc. 

It's just too much to wrap my heart around-- I would cry all day if I dwelled on it!  We are so happy!!!


You want to know something kind of funny?  When we were first dating, one of our biggest "issues" was the size of home we each eventually wanted.  Jeremy said that he would love something that was 4,000 square feet or so.  I thought that was WAY too much!  I couldn't see a purpose for it and thought it was just crazy to even think about more than 3,000 square feet.  Then again, he always wanted EIGHT children and I couldn't begin to understand how he could be so stuck on a number like that.

Ha.   I guess we were both in for a surprise!

And yes-- for all those that have asked-- I AM scared of cleaning it!  (;  However, I am so looking forward to places to put things, and surely a "place for everything" will help with the cleaning aspect!

One thing we both really do love about the home is the way it's designed.  When we sat down with the architect and talked about the things we needed and the things we wanted, we both said that we didn't want it to look ostentatious.  We wanted LOTS of space, but we didn't want it to look intimidating from the front.  Well, I love the comment I just read on the Salt Lake Parade of Homes's facebook today, speaking of our home:  "This house seems about three and a half times bigger inside than it looks from the outside. Architect or magician?"  (:  Jamie Walker of Walker Home Design did a fabulous job of giving us SO much space, but laying it out in a way that worked so well for our family.  It doesn't have long hallways or corridors that you get lost in-- it's all feels very homey even though it's big.  We love it!  It fits all of our needs and then some.  It's more than we ever could have hoped for!  It also has some beautiful features that were donated-- such as custom wood mouldings (Marathon Moulding) and of course the amazing mural work!  (I need to get a link to their website-- anyone know of it?)

We have loved being there during parts of the Parade and listening to comments people make.  I'll be honest-- sometimes it is hard being so transparent-- putting our story out there for everybody to see.  But I have seen some really wonderful things come of it.   Obviously, our lives have been HUGELY blessed by this whole thing.  I am so happy when I see others blessed by it as well.  Many times while at the Parade, people will come up and hug us and cry and tell us how our children have touched their lives just by their stories.  (The story of each of the kids and the story of the home is told throughout the house.)  I am hopeful that the seed of adoption has been planted in some hearts along the way...  (:  People have been so kind and sweet in their comments to us while at the house!!!

As we were talking to our architect last night, he said that a couple of common questions that are asked of him have to do with the financial end of things.  I know I have addressed this in a past post, but I also know we have some new blog readers out there.  I also realize that though finances are in general a more private thing, the nature of this project is such that people have valid reasons to want to know!  So here it goes:   (:

The amazing, incredible, wonderful people who put together Puzzle Them Home have worked so hard for over a year now.  The concept of "buying" puzzle pieces generated over $35,000 in donations.  Again, I get overwhelmed just thinking of what that means.  I know there was so much love and sacrifice in that money.  I know MUCH of it came from you wonderful blog readers.  We are SO grateful.    Besides the cash donations, there was a tremendous amount donated in the way of discounted or donated labor and materials.  Much of this came from friends and family who pitched in to help.  Much of it came from strangers.  We have estimated that these donations brought the cost of the home down by about $225,000.  I know... again, there aren't words.  "Thank you" seems so small compared to what we want to say.

So where did the rest of the money come from?  What does Jeremy do for a living?  Just how much do we get paid to adopt these children?  Apparently, these are some of the questions being asked at the home.

I'll start with the last question, one that I'm sure made people who have adopted internationally giggle a bit.  We don't get paid anything.  Not a penny, darn it!  Adopting a child from China costs approximately $25,000.  A tax credit of around $13,000 is given toward adoptions, so that offsets the cost dramatically.  Jeremy's company also helps with adoption costs-- they pay $5,000 toward each adoption.  As far as receiving financial stipends or anything because of their special needs-- that is reserved for adopting domestically out of the foster care system.   I wish with all my heart that adoption wasn't so expensive because I know that MANY families desire to adopt, but cannot because of finances.

Which brings us to the next question.  Exactly what does Jeremy do for a living?   Jeremy has a wonderful job as a pharmaceutical rep for Bayer.  A pharmaceutical rep's average salary is $70-$80k per year, with the potential for some bonus.   So yes, we are very blessed!  Besides his job in pharmaceuticals, we have some ownership in the importing side of the 2012 Game of the Year, Perplexus.

I will have to blog the amazing story of this toy sometime, but suffice it to say, it has been a tremendous blessing for us and has definitely contributed to our ability to buy this home.

When Puzzle Them Home originally started over a year ago, the goal was to help us get into a better home for our family.  At the time, there was no way we could qualify for the kind of loan we needed and our current home was being appraised at MUCH less than what we had paid for it.  As things progressed and as we partnered with Children and the Earth, their goal became to have the home completely paid for.  Mortgage free.  While a wonderful goal, we realized at the beginning of this year that short of a miracle, we were far from having that happen.  After praying a lot about it, we decided to try and see if we could qualify for a loan.   We were in a different situation than the year before because, among other things, we could now count income from Perplexus.  Citywide Home Loans was told about the project and our situation.  They made some wonderful accommodations for us, including waiving their fees, to help us qualify for the loan we needed.  It was a bigger loan than we wanted to do, but we still felt good about doing it.  Personally, I thought that it was maybe because contributions would keep coming to puzzle them home-- helping to offset the size of the mortgage.   Many people involved kept talking about the possibility of this home getting national attention and therefore generating more donations.  It never did.  But we have been blessed!  Things are going well with Jeremy's work and with Perplexus.  The housing market has changed in our favor as we prepare to sell our current home.  So we continue to go forward having faith that we have been prayerful as we've made decisions with this home and it's accompanying mortgage.

Two questions that has been asked a couple of times online are along the lines of "Why would they build a house they couldn't afford without continued donations?" and "Why would they continue to adopt if they can't afford it?"   These valid questions were in response to a couple of articles on the home stating that Puzzle Them Home is still accepting donations for the home.   I'll do my best to answer that.  (:   First of all, concerning the home, yes-- donations are still being accepted at the puzzle them home page.  We are so, so grateful for the support.  This house could not have been built without donations.  One way that the bank worked with us was using pledges of donations as a down payment on the loan.  As far as continuing to accept donations-- those working on the project have expressed that people walking through the home often have a desire to be part of it.   They asked how we felt about a donation jar (to be shared with Make-a-Wish) being at the home.  We gratefully said yes to it knowing that we have a long way to go in paying off the loan!  But know that Citywide would not have approved us if they didn't think we could make it work.  (:  And yes-- we do realize that this home MORE than meets our needs-- there are many extras that are pure bonus-- like the sidewalk that circles the yard outside so Cali can have access to anywhere she wants.  We know it's amazing.  We are so grateful!!  We weren't trying to build a mansion-- but we do realize it is a VERY SPECIAL HOUSE. 

As for why we would adopt if we couldn't afford it... we can!  (:  There are actually financial requirements that must be met before China AND your homestudy agency will approve you to adopt.  We have been so blessed each time we have chosen to go forward and haven't had to fundraise to help with adoption costs.  However, if we DID have to fundraise, we would!  And we support as many of those who are fundraising as we possibly can!  (:   Adoption is one thing that I would be willing to receive help to do and I'm so GLAD that other families go forward with adoption even if it means asking for help-- these children are worth it!!!

So... I hope that answers some questions on the financial end of things.  (:  I am not offended by the questions, and like I said, I think the nature of this project justifies them.  People who have contributed especially have the right to know a little bit more about our situation.  Have you noticed I'm putting lots of smileys?  (:  That's because I really do want you to know that I'm happy to answer these questions.  (:

I was going to post pictures, but I've already spent much too long on here and I've had kids coming in every 30 seconds or so asking for things.  (;  So if you want to see pictures, go to puzzlethemhome.org and click on their facebook page.  Or just click HERE.

Love you all for your support!!  

--Christianne